New Years Eve

Ah, the gaping maw of the new year is upon us…and as I look into the behemoth of a mess this world is about to step over into, I am awed at how much hope and joy I have encountered this year. Despite the destitution we all seem to be facing at the moment, and the trials we have been through in 2008, it seems to me that most of my friends and family truly believe that this year will be better, that our goals will be accomplished. And to be honest, I believe it too.

I feel and look better than I have in years. I have more confidence. And even though there are a lot of really scary new things just off into the future, I am not as afraid to face them as I have been in the past. Maybe it’s the structure of friendships that have built up around me in this last year, maybe it’s being on my own for once, even with the support I have, but I think that I can jump headlong into life in 2009, and that it really will be a successful undertaking.

Bring it on world! I can take it! Make it mine! Beat it sensless! Watch me!

Mid Life Crisis?

Funny, I don’t feel 35…

I feel 26. I’m starting to look like it again too. Hard to believe I am halfway to 70. My grandmother is almost 97, my dad would be 65 if he were alive…

I am the mother of a teenager.

It’s not sinking in. I think I like it that way. I hope it doesn’t sink in.

If what they say is true, continuing to feel 26 should keep me young for a long time. I have been doing a lot to reverse the effects of the drinking I had been doing for years. Now if only I could quit smoking…soon I hope.

I almost met my goal for Christmas this year, which was to lose 15 pounds, I missed that by 3 pounds as far as I can tell, but you never know. ( I am a little bloated right now, don’t ask.)

I want to be back down to 165 by April. It’s going to be a lot of work, and even more working out, but I plan to get in the best shape I have ever been in my life in this next year. I have not weighed 165 since 2005 I think. It would be nice to get back down to 135, but I am not going to push myself so hard I make myself sick, and chances are that the difference in how I look will be dramatic enough.

At my heaviest, and unhappiest, I weighed 215. And I felt trapped inside my body. More and more the 26 year old body I see and feel in myself is peering back out at me. I plan to keep her ever closer to the surface.

Strange birthday this year.

It’s the day before my birthday…

and all through the house not a creature was stirring, because they were too busy shoving themselves into tight little spaces and shivering in the cold and damp. Ok, so it’s not quite that bad. I am still wearing my uggs, my long coat and my hand warmers though.

Just got out of a hot shower, made my self some lemon ginger chamomile tea, wishing I was sleepy, which I am not.

Pleased that I was able to make Christmas happen for not only myself but so many other people, and for pennies. (If I didn’t reuse stuff every year, I never could have done it.)  I can’t wait to see everyone’s faces as they open their presents.

I am unfortunately guilty of one of the worst gift wrapping jobs I have done since I was about…oh, maybe 5? It’s hideous. But they do all have ribbons and bows. Does that count for something? I certainly hope so.

I am relieved I don’t have to go out in the pouring rain tomorrow on foot at all. I can’t wait to eat succulent roast beast with my brother and play with his new puppy. SO cute!

Well, I am off to watch the last episode of Mushi-Shi on hulu and hopefully pass out. Happy Christmas Eve Day everybody!

So excited I could burst!

My son will be here today!!!! It’s only been since September, but god I miss him so much. My brother got a rottweiller puppy for Xmas. I am making Oatmeal cookies later today, and decking the halls for the holiday. it may be cold outside, but my heart is warm and I am happy. And this is post 100 in my blog. W00t! So much to do so little time…

Oh heck, sometimes I can’t sleep.

Have you kissed more than ten people in the past year?
A great deal more. But that’s ok, I am a very touchy feely kind of gal.

Could​ you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
Probably, if I had to, which I might.

Do you hate the last person you kissed?
No. Not even hardly.

Will this weekend be a good one?
Already been good so far and there’s still one more day left.

Have you ever drunk ​your soda from a straw​?
WTF does that have to do with the price of beans, yes?

Ever felt like you’​re not good enough?
for what? pole vaulting? definitely not.

Where did you get the shirt​ you’​re wearing right​ now?
American Apparel.

Do you look more like ​your mum or dad?
I really look like a cross between both. Srsly. No question.

What was the last thing ​you drank​?
Hmm, Shirley Temple while working my camera, and then peppermint tea.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someones’ arms?
Yes, and recently too.

Do you like meeting new people?
Love meeting new people. Always been a social butterfly.

What can always make you happy​?
Kittehs, especially kitten kittehs.

Do you like the person you are becoming?
Well I always “like” myself, the question should be do I love me, and yes I do.

Someone knocks on your window at 2 AM, what do you say?
Depends on who it is.
Stalker or crazy person, scream bloody murder and call 911.
Cute boy I know, open the window.
Cute girl, open the window, rip off the screen, and pull her in.

Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
No more than I find myself confusing.

Has anyone upset​ you in the last week?
Hmmm, I think I have done a pretty good job of upsetting myself.

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
Yes. And I smoke, and I really should buy more breathmints. Hehe. Thanks for reminding me. Thank god I never smoke indoors.

Are you keeping a big secret right​ now?
Define BIG? Probably not, I usually have very little to hide. It’s all over LADEAD anyway. LOL.

Do you always answer your phone​?
No. I mean, srsly, what if it’s you calling? I don’t want to talk to you right now.

How many people have you kissed in a jacuzzi?
As many as fit in the Jacuzzi.

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
Went to school for it even actually.

Is your hair naturally curly ​or straight?
Oh god, curly. Embrace the wave motherfucker, I can’t fight my hair. I lose.

What’​s something you really want right now for christmas,​ be honest?
Faberge eggs and gold bullion. A million dollars. No really. I really do. Honest. And maybe some goggles for swimming.

Does anything hurt on your body?
My new piercing from time to time.

Do you ever think​ “​what if” about​ anything?
I used to all the time but it serves no purpose and usually makes things worse, in addition, do not listen to anyone else’s speculations, what the fuck do they know? Do your own research.

What do you think of people who smoke​?
Well, I suck. And I pity anyone who smokes who goes to disneyland. Lame.

Do you sleep on your side, stomach, ​or back?
side or back, never stomach. Boobs get in the way.

How do you think​ you look right this moment?
Tired but cute.

Do you dance in the car?
Um yes. Shhh! Don’t tell anyone, OK?

Back to the Grind. I like Grinding!

Unexpectedly I have found myself shooting band photography again. What a pleasant surprise this is! Been out of the loop for a while with downed computers and denied internet access, but the timing couldn’t be any better to jump back into the scene and do some quality work.

I get to use a D200 today, and I am hoping for a marked improvement in picture quality. Lets see what I can pull off shall we?

Glad to be doing the favor for my friends and always happy for the exposure.

Finally beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

It’s been a long day.  Much to my discontent this morning, I awoke to the delicate bleating of the neighbors’ construction crew jack hammering something or other in an attempt to convert their garage to a three car garage, and our landlord and the roofing man, both Chinese, talking outside my bedroom door.

All this after losing power to the entire house on more than one occasion yesterday, leaving everyone in the house freezing cold last night. Two comforters later, and a friend in the bed, and I really didn’t want to be up at 10 AM. Though it turns out I was glad for the extra hour or two that I got, mostly because my 16 year old feral cat decided to voice his displeasure at being cooped up in my room again after discovering the freedom of the rest of the house when we had to leave all the doors open just to warm the place up 5 degrees.  He did this by peeing on the two comforters that were on the bed, forcing an immediate trip to the laundry mat, since the washer and dryer can’t be used without blowing yet another fuse.

So out and about I went, and one wonderful Subway sandwich later, back home again, roofer still here.  Then before you know it, time to head out with Avi to my storage unit, where a large percentage of Christmas and my dry food goods were retrieved and loaded up for the return. The presents may be lacking this year, but I sure as hell can deck the house out with things the kids can’t destroy. Of course, got stuck in holiday traffic for almost an hour on the way home, and there was some major accident on Hyperion Ave that had traffic being fully diverted.

I did drive by the festival of lights in Griffith Park, and thought, there’s something awesome duncan and I can do while he’s down,  and got to drive over one of  my favorite bridges and see my absolute favorite fountain. Something about the fountain at riverside and Los Feliz just made me feel very at home. I used to go by that fountain every Xmas, (and a lot of the rest of the year too, but it’s the holiday here that’s the point.) visiting my god parents, who had this amazing spanish style house up the winding roads in Los Feliz. They had the most beautiful views of LA. Grassy hills, dichondra,  roses and the butterflies and dragonflies filled up my summers there, but during winter, when it would be so cold, standing in their living room, face plastered to the icy glass, I would stare out at the city covered in lights, twinkling for me, for my birthday, as if to say, yes laurel, it’s your time again!

That fountain is the doorway to a treasure trove of memories, that most days slip away like seeds in the wind, but the sky was so clear today, the air so crisp, I couldn’t help but feel almost like I was about to head up that road again, and walk into their living room to help decorate their tree.

I got back home, unloaded everything much to the exquisite joy of the children I live with, who don’t really even know what Christmas can be yet. Out for a walk and into the shower, the first time I have truly been warm to the core all over all day, though I had many moments of heat…it just wasn’t so all encompassing. Made myself all cute and pretty. Sometimes it’s nice for people to see you the way you should look all the time. So now I am sitting here, typing to my hearts content, painting my nails festively for the holiday, and listening to John Denver.

And I feel a bit nostalgic. And I wish I could go back and be a kid again, with this brain I own now, and light the candles on the Christmas tree after we decorated it, make a batch of cookies with my mom, run around in puddles in the rain, feel small in my fathers’ arms, play every record my parents owned on the record player in the living room, and watch the Muppet show on prime time television all over again.

I would love to see every Muppet Christmas special again.

There really were some things about my childhood that were magical. Truly special in a way that you just don’t comprehend until you can not only never have it the same again, but everything has changed so much that the world you live in isn’t recognizable anymore.

And I am so glad that I see my son every year this time of year. That there are traditions that can’t be broken by anyone or anything. That my aunt sent me a tree. That tomorrow I will be going to the store for the fixings for Oatmeal Cookies just like my mom used to make, and decorating the entire house from top to bottom.

It stopped feeling like April some time today. Actually felt like December 19th. Not quite sure exactly when that happened, but it did.

And then I walked outside, at about 10:30 PM and saw a fiery blue shooting star, and got to make a wish…

maybe it will come true.

Happy Holidays Everybody! Peace on earth, goodwill towards men. (and womens, and kittehs especially, and even creepy crawly things)

Merry Christmas Dad. I miss you.

Merry Christmas Mom.

Merry Xmas Grandpa Larry. Grandpa Ben. Fritz and Pauline. Thai-wak. Sneakers. Jasmine. Beahr. Rolf. Tahjik. Woodgie.

Merry Christmas John Denver. Thank you for the soundtrack to my childhood.

Merry Christmas Bowen.

Merry Christmas Dan, Jen, Katie, Alan, Kashi, Xian, Christiana, Robert, Duncan.

Happy Chanukah Avi!

Merry Christmas to the rest of my dear friends and family.

It’s a strange year this year. The most bare I think it’s ever been, but it’s MY day. Somehow I will find a way to make it as memorable as every other. Sober even. If I can’t pull this off, then no one can. And that’s about all I have to say about that.

Just remember:  Love one another, sing a little song, give a little joy. You should be doing it all year, but it’s really nice when it’s cold out, to remember how much we need each other, and how important we are. How fleeting this life is.

My C’est La Vie to 2008.

Where ​did you begin​ 2008?
Not sure, I think I was home last year, probably drunk with Bowen.

What was your status by Valentine’​s Day?
Married to Bowen still.

Were you in school (anytime this year)​?
Not at all, unless living life counts as school in which case, 24/7 baby!

Did you have any encounters​ with the police?
Don’t I always? Mostly regarding the SUV though.

Where did you go on vacation?
Chicago, in the snow…

What did you purch​ase that was over $​500?
More than I should have. Mostly a bunch of broken dreams. And a new life.

Did you know anybody who got married?
A few, and a couple of divorces and break ups too.

Did you know anybody who passed away?
DJ Lunacy, some of the hubby’s relatives…

Did you move anywhere?
Yes. To Pasadena from LA, then to Echo Park, then to Hollywood. Can I be done with that?

What sporting events did you attend?
Um, depends on your definition of “sport”.
I would assume for most that would be none.

What concerts/​shows​ did you go to?
Mostly friend’s bands…

Where​ do you live now?
Hollyweird, at the heart of everything cool in LA.

Describe your birth​day?
Hasn’t happened yet, I’ll let you know after Laurelmas.

What’​s the one thing​ you thought you would ​never​ do but did in 2008?
Lose my husband and quit drinking.

What has/have been your favorite moment(​s)​?
Finding freedom to be fulfilling, watching my friend and her daughter dance in the empty
aisle at the end of a movie that there where only two other people at, Seeing all my cats on my bed with me
and purring contentedly, spending time with the person I am sitting with right now.

What’​s something you learned about​yourself?
That I can do for myself, all by myself, and be ok in the end. Because if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

Any new additions to your famil​y?
Two frogs, and a snake, that passed away.

What was your best month​?
October through part of November I think.

What music will you remember 2008 by?
Free by VAST and Indigo Children by Puscifer.

Who has been your best drinking buddy​?
Katie, god you were fun to get stupid with…

Made new friends?
So many I can’t even count them all.

Favorite Night​[​s]​ out?
I have a good time almost every time I leave the house. I am just built that way.

Any regrets?
Not so far.

What do you want to change in 2009?
My car status, my lic status, my job status, and get my damn son down!

Overall,​ how would​ you rate this year?
Better and worse than 2007. pandemonium was better, the people I met were awesome, losing bowen and mah house sucked. That is all.

What would​ you change about​ 2008?​.​.
I would have left bowen in 2007. but the past is the past and can’t be changed so phuket!

Other ​than home,​ where​ did you spend​ most of your time?
Katie’s house, and in bed, followed closely by OUT, just OUT.

Have any life changes in 2008?
You really want me to keep rehashing my separation and the loss of my house? You fucking sadist!

Change your hair style​?
Drastically, but it’s what us women do at the end of relationships.

Get a new job?
yes.

How old did you turn this year?
will be 35 soon, not there yet.

Do you have a New Year’​s resolution​?
Get back to the old me size. So I can fuck like a rabbit. Or a leopard.

Did anything embarrassing?
Probably, I was drunk a few times this year

Buy anything new from eBay?
Yes, cat playpens for my move.

What was/were your favorite purchase[​s]?
My new favorite haircut, I would think.

Get arrested?
No.

Be honest – did you watch​ American Idol?
No but I did watch so you think you can dance and dancing with the stars.

Start ​a new hobby​?
If sex is a hobby, then yes. Though i did take up painting again.

Been snowboarding?
Not yet.

Are you happy​ to see 2008 go?
Yes and no. I wish there were more time for everything, that it passed slower, as I hit thirty five,
and my son became a teenager, and my husband moved away.
Different things are important.

Drank​ Starbucks ​in 2008?
Yes but never coffee, I don’t do caffeine.

Have you been naughty or nice?
Depends of how Santa likes it… I think.

What are you wishing for in 2009?
Money. Mostly…and wellness and activity, and my son.

Currently listening : Bible of Dreams By Juno Reactor Release date: 1997-07-15

Emergence

It’s been quite a while since I have posted anything. Mostly due to a lack of fully functional computer, proximity to electronics, and a distinct absence of internet.

For those who wish to know, I Lost the house to foreclosure, as the bank took over my rental and I was forced to move out on the 12th of November. I got More help than I ever dreamed possible, and despite having fallen down my stairs previous to the move, resulting in a pulled sciatic twice during the move, and some pretty insane pain, it got done just in time, and was probably the cleanest I have ever left a property.

Moved in with Katie for the rest of the month, sleeping on a self made pallet on the floor in the living room, with rugrats and way too many repeats of atomic betty. (Who is a galactic girl and will rock your world, in case you were wondering, though I think this refers to the desire to shoot oneself in the fucking face after four viewings…) Cut to, you got it people, MORE PACKING!

Her lease ended at the beginning of December and somehow everybody pulled a miracle out of their behinds and we moved again. Realize now, I did move in May, and that took almost two months to pull off. So again in November, and again in December… Time has flown so fast I can barely keep up most days.

It doesn’t feel so much like the holidays, as April.

So here we are. Smack down in the middle of Hollywood. And I must say for a single girl, probably the most convenient place to situate oneself in light of my particular brand of social life. Which despite money and the previous lack of internet, is usually buzzing.

It’s about to be six months since Bowen up and left, and I am, despite being broke, and feeling like one is about to resort to things one would rather not do in order to make money to pay bills, the least stressed I have been in years. I am happier and more well adjusted. I feel like I did before I met him, plus a ton of experience and knowledge. Handy of course.

I thought that dating and putting myself back out into the world of single would be so much more awkward. Wrong on that count. May just be my personality, but I find that meeting people is the least of my worries. I have a roof over my head, even though it leaks in the rain… Food in my belly, though it isn’t much, and Have finally decided to quit drinking.

I have been sober since the 8th.  Working out, going to the gym, just living.

Working on art.

I have been asked back to a gallery I showed at, not by the curator of the show, but by the gallery itself, apparently they love my cats. So I have some new pieces I am working on that need to be done by April,  which fortunately is more than enough time to get some really great work done.

So go me!!!

Now I have to figure out how to dry clothes with a broken dryer in the rain, and get ready for my house guests…

Spyke and mike’s sick and twisted adventure.

I GOT WOKEN UP TONIGHT. After packing half the day, and freaking out about moving, by my roommates. Spyke and Mike. Who apparently had been calling me and banging on the door. Which I never would have answered because of all the police shit with bowen in the past…but then I heard a weird sound. Like someone taking a shower. So I got up and went to the door. Which I had locked. Apparently I had locked all the doors.  Bad for roommates, good for home alone girl. After getting shit faced drunk and throwing up for the first time in months and months.

To find that the fire department and the gas company had been called. And the house needed to be evacuated. Because the gas line was broken. Because Spyke stepped on it trying to get through his window because for once I was out like a light and dead asleep. After 8 calls, a text message and banging on the window. They didn’t think to say my name or anything outside of my window. The line broke in two places.

The cats and the snakes came out in their cages, and I sat on the lawn while two fire trucks and four guys in yellow jackets traipsed around the house. And bitched at me for smoking in the only place there was no gas smell. And I have a sensitive nose. Whatever.

They left after turning off the gas. It started to rain. Then the gas company showed up. I suppose this really is pretty funny, but OMG, CAN THINGS GET ANY WEIRDER? Thank god I am moving and this didn’t cost me. Too bad that gas lines are secured with plastic pipe. Such as life. My life. Full of WTF?????

Want some? I have extra.