Lunar Enlightenment

Whoever thought I would be too busy to write?

tsukineko — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 21:56:03 +0000

Turns out when you stop sitting on your behind and get out and live, you don’t have the time to sit down and write out your thoughts nearly as often. Not to mention most of my writing in the last year has been done on real paper, with a pen. For whatever reason I love the way that feels.
It was a crazy year, 2010. The wedding didn’t happen as planned, though to no detrimental end result, my teeth finally got fixed, roommates came and went, I gained weight. The beginning of 2011 was, well, in a nutshell, crap. Kittens came and went. I fell into the worst depression I have been in for years, and it took till the weather warmed up for me to snap out of it. So the Laurelmas tree stayed up till mid march. Sorry Roomies!

On a lighter note, perhaps that funk was needed, to assess and decide what course to follow for the rest of the year. As of the end of march, I have lost 22 pounds, quit drinking, and become more active. This new diet is working so well for me I may cut out all but the barest minimum of red meat, sugars, most breads and pasta, and milk. I find that not putting ANYTHING artificial or chock full of preservatives has left me feeling pretty damn good most of the time. I am hoping that the changes I have been making keep me saner. Happier. The wedding is on for June 24th. I have plenty to do and keep my mind busy too. And I have a talented and wonderfully sweet and funny fiancee to keep me company. I love him so much.
Well, enough for now. I’ve been sitting here too long as it is. I have a bike ride to go on, laundry to do, wedding plans to finalize, and it’s already three in the afternoon!
Ta!

Sometimes all you can say is I Love You.

tsukineko — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 04:41:38 +0000

There are people, events, things, and animals in our lives, that change us. That make us think, make us better people. That brief pause, on which we seek to reflect, that infinitesimal moment that exists only for us, each of us, as individuals, in which our lives were irrevocably altered by the mere breath, sight, of something other than us. I have had that moment. Thrice. The day my son was born, the day I realized I was in love with a cat, and the day I felt jealous because my current fiancee was kissing another girl. (He wasn’t my fiancee yet.)
I have been many things in my life, a failure, a goddess, a genius, a giver…a taker. And so have you. How long does it take to realize how many thing in your life change, day to day. What you could have been, what you were, what you are now. How many people know you, really know the real you? Have been there for enough of it to see you as you really are? And can accept that?
That are with you when you love, and hate, cry, and laugh, when you want the world to end?
He has been with me through all this and more. He IS the reason I am still alive. I would have killed myself, and yet I felt the need to live for this animal as some would like to term it. I would have swallowed the pills and slit my wrists, the pain ran so deep…
Despite my own trauma, over the years…there has been one, and only one constant. The rumble of his purr, the feel of him against my chest, as I fall asleep, or lay on my bed, at any time. The only unconditional, honestly unconditional, unabashedly true love in my lifetime, more than even my son, is this cat.
Is that strange? I think not. We all long for love given freely. We want to grok each other wholly.
This is one of the most foreign concepts in our own limited reality…and one that I would not readily give up without a fight. So if it seems odd, to eat pasta so my cat can go to hospital, and go without shampoo, so he can have a fighting chance, well that’s because it’s love.
I would do it for another human just as readily and have. Have cared for those that weren’t family because they needed me. Knowing that when I get home, he is waiting for me. And that’s all the reason I need.
Because He Loves Me Too.

Protected: I didn’t know a clock could tick so hard…

tsukineko — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 00:04:10 +0000

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The last post…

tsukineko — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:04:51 +0000

…was as true now as it was then. I am still in love. It means as much to me to feel his touch as it did then, and I am still enraptured. Enthralled. Amazed. That there is someone out there who looks at me, and sees me, as I would see myself, regardless of whether I am or not. He has bestowed me a gift beyond words. A sight, a vision, of myself, as perfection, and I BELIEVE HIM.

Can’t help it.

tsukineko — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 10:04:07 +0000

This place I am in. This happy place. That although I can swing from one extreme to another three times in an evening, when I lay my head down to sleep, I am in a place of peace and acceptance and happiness. It Doesn’t hurt he’s here with me. That I feel his breath on my neck, his arm around my waist, his heat. Doesn’t change that no matter how hard a day seems to be, I know in my heart that I will be OK tomorrow. That it’s not over. That it never will be. Life is for living. Today I breathed deeply. Tomorrow I may expand again. And Again. And still never feel full. Bless this life, and these things that I share it with. I love them. Dearly. Like the air I breathe.

tsukineko — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 05:27:02 +0000

http://tsukineko23.deviantart.com

The latest work… for your perusal. I am Back in the saddle again. Creating madly.

from this mornings Photo shoot and subsequent adventuring and inspiring things…

Valentine’s

tsukineko — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 09:45:43 +0000

At least I get to spend the over commercialized day with someone I deeply care about, doing things I enjoy, art, eating, movie, and well, none of your darn business…

Mad world.

tsukineko — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 09:41:10 +0000

I am pissed off. That on the 25th of January I had to go to county for antibiotics and painkillers. Because no one else would help me. Because I was in so much pain I could barely talk. I am even more pissed off that I am going back tomorrow because all they gave me was penicillin. And it didn’t work. And the infection is in my jaw. Thank god I could tell. What the hell is wrong with this system that allows us to ignore, and be disregarded, when it comes to our bodies?
That people with broken bones and infections get no treatment, and when you really do know what’s wrong with you, no one believes you, no one wants to help you, because they didn’t diagnose it themselves?
How can we let people with enough self awareness to get passed over and shuffled in with the rest of them out of fear for a license, or some pride?
I hate this system.
I get to sit in a room with a bunch of people for three hours at fuck off o’clock in the morning, so they can tell me what I already know and fuck it up again. maybe if I get lucky they will give me a better antibiotic and some more painkillers and send me on my merry way. One can hope. Right now I can’t sleep for thinking about it, and wish Dan was awake to take my mind off of it. I hate doing this kind of stuff alone.
I shouldn’t be in this place at all.
We shouldn’t let each other get this sick.
This part of life should be something that everyone can afford, or it should be like Cuba, where the health care system works. DAMN IT!