It’s been a long day.  Much to my discontent this morning, I awoke to the delicate bleating of the neighbors’ construction crew jack hammering something or other in an attempt to convert their garage to a three car garage, and our landlord and the roofing man, both Chinese, talking outside my bedroom door.

All this after losing power to the entire house on more than one occasion yesterday, leaving everyone in the house freezing cold last night. Two comforters later, and a friend in the bed, and I really didn’t want to be up at 10 AM. Though it turns out I was glad for the extra hour or two that I got, mostly because my 16 year old feral cat decided to voice his displeasure at being cooped up in my room again after discovering the freedom of the rest of the house when we had to leave all the doors open just to warm the place up 5 degrees.  He did this by peeing on the two comforters that were on the bed, forcing an immediate trip to the laundry mat, since the washer and dryer can’t be used without blowing yet another fuse.

So out and about I went, and one wonderful Subway sandwich later, back home again, roofer still here.  Then before you know it, time to head out with Avi to my storage unit, where a large percentage of Christmas and my dry food goods were retrieved and loaded up for the return. The presents may be lacking this year, but I sure as hell can deck the house out with things the kids can’t destroy. Of course, got stuck in holiday traffic for almost an hour on the way home, and there was some major accident on Hyperion Ave that had traffic being fully diverted.

I did drive by the festival of lights in Griffith Park, and thought, there’s something awesome duncan and I can do while he’s down,  and got to drive over one of  my favorite bridges and see my absolute favorite fountain. Something about the fountain at riverside and Los Feliz just made me feel very at home. I used to go by that fountain every Xmas, (and a lot of the rest of the year too, but it’s the holiday here that’s the point.) visiting my god parents, who had this amazing spanish style house up the winding roads in Los Feliz. They had the most beautiful views of LA. Grassy hills, dichondra,  roses and the butterflies and dragonflies filled up my summers there, but during winter, when it would be so cold, standing in their living room, face plastered to the icy glass, I would stare out at the city covered in lights, twinkling for me, for my birthday, as if to say, yes laurel, it’s your time again!

That fountain is the doorway to a treasure trove of memories, that most days slip away like seeds in the wind, but the sky was so clear today, the air so crisp, I couldn’t help but feel almost like I was about to head up that road again, and walk into their living room to help decorate their tree.

I got back home, unloaded everything much to the exquisite joy of the children I live with, who don’t really even know what Christmas can be yet. Out for a walk and into the shower, the first time I have truly been warm to the core all over all day, though I had many moments of heat…it just wasn’t so all encompassing. Made myself all cute and pretty. Sometimes it’s nice for people to see you the way you should look all the time. So now I am sitting here, typing to my hearts content, painting my nails festively for the holiday, and listening to John Denver.

And I feel a bit nostalgic. And I wish I could go back and be a kid again, with this brain I own now, and light the candles on the Christmas tree after we decorated it, make a batch of cookies with my mom, run around in puddles in the rain, feel small in my fathers’ arms, play every record my parents owned on the record player in the living room, and watch the Muppet show on prime time television all over again.

I would love to see every Muppet Christmas special again.

There really were some things about my childhood that were magical. Truly special in a way that you just don’t comprehend until you can not only never have it the same again, but everything has changed so much that the world you live in isn’t recognizable anymore.

And I am so glad that I see my son every year this time of year. That there are traditions that can’t be broken by anyone or anything. That my aunt sent me a tree. That tomorrow I will be going to the store for the fixings for Oatmeal Cookies just like my mom used to make, and decorating the entire house from top to bottom.

It stopped feeling like April some time today. Actually felt like December 19th. Not quite sure exactly when that happened, but it did.

And then I walked outside, at about 10:30 PM and saw a fiery blue shooting star, and got to make a wish…

maybe it will come true.

Happy Holidays Everybody! Peace on earth, goodwill towards men. (and womens, and kittehs especially, and even creepy crawly things)

Merry Christmas Dad. I miss you.

Merry Christmas Mom.

Merry Xmas Grandpa Larry. Grandpa Ben. Fritz and Pauline. Thai-wak. Sneakers. Jasmine. Beahr. Rolf. Tahjik. Woodgie.

Merry Christmas John Denver. Thank you for the soundtrack to my childhood.

Merry Christmas Bowen.

Merry Christmas Dan, Jen, Katie, Alan, Kashi, Xian, Christiana, Robert, Duncan.

Happy Chanukah Avi!

Merry Christmas to the rest of my dear friends and family.

It’s a strange year this year. The most bare I think it’s ever been, but it’s MY day. Somehow I will find a way to make it as memorable as every other. Sober even. If I can’t pull this off, then no one can. And that’s about all I have to say about that.

Just remember:  Love one another, sing a little song, give a little joy. You should be doing it all year, but it’s really nice when it’s cold out, to remember how much we need each other, and how important we are. How fleeting this life is.

Jordin Sparks featuring: Chris Brown Lyrics

Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air

If I should die before I wake
It’s ’cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
Oh

I’m here alone, didn’t wanna leave
My heart won’t move, it’s incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
‘Cause my world revolves around you
It’s so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus:]
Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air
Can’t live, can’t breathe with no air
It’s how I feel whenever you ain’t there
It’s no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain’t here, I just can’t breathe
It’s no air, no air

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
There’s no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I’m still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don’t know how, but I don’t even care

So how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
‘Cause my world revolves around you
It’s so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus]

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No more
It’s no air, no air

[Chorus x2]

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

Tuesday, July 9th, 2002
12:00 am
Blah. I am so tired.
As is always the case, I work in the morning, so it is now midnight, and I am awake. I never get to sleep at a reasonable hour when there is something important to do. Never. Between tons of laundry, a small child thing, and a dirty catbox, I find myself hiding at the computer, trying to ignore everything to the best of my ability. A glass of wine later at least I have relaxed a little.

I must say my job is a busy one, and time passes so quickly at work that I almost forget to take lunch. Maybe there is a god, heh. Oh well. Things to do, houses to clean, people to think about killing. Lunches to be made. Bribes to offer. Back to business as usual.

BTW: Xian, noire was most pleasant and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: noisy cats

Saturday, June 29th, 2002
8:54 pm
>^^

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: ssx tricky, played by my son, as background noise.

8:40 pm
LOOOOOOONG DRIVE!
Well I just got back an hour ago from getting Duncan. 9 hours of driving the first day, a night at my ex’s parent house in the forest and 10 more hours later, I am home with the loud child. Good thing he’s not a whiny brat, or I might have thrown him from the car on the way home. The lake’s up by Shasta are gorgeous right now, last years fire damage at weaverville has turned to hillsides of burnt trees and millions of little wildflowers, the avg temperature on the drive was 95 degrees, 78 in the car. Glad we took my dad’s new SUV. Toyota highlanders are nice for long trips.
Funniest part of the trip, in my opinion, is the fact that my dad, out of all the music I played (I brought my cd’s) the song he really liked (note song, not album, because he liked william orbit’s torch song, bill laswell’s material, and praga khan) was old school skinny puppy. Weird. My dad, lover of the beatles and paul simon and ottmar leibert, fan of tangerine dream and sade, likes my “driving music”
overall, I could be so much more exhausted and sore, but other than swollen feet and a bruised elbow (hit the door damnit!) I feel pretty good.

Side note:
Not to be a bitch, cuz really I just am not, but my ex’s new wife, and first wife I might add, is just an amazing piece of white trash, not to mention 12 years his junior, yeah, that’ll last. Not. No, I swear, this isn’t anger or jealousy, you know when they make tv movies and the girl is blonde out of the bottle and lives in a trailer park? She looks like that.

What did I see in that man in the first place???????

Ciao for now, going to Faith Assembly in one hour, must bathe.

Tuesday, June 25th, 2002
6:59 pm
Finally! Something worth metioning!
Job. I start Monday at Anderson & Murison, Inc. Located in very close-by Eagle Rock and conveniently close to everyone I know. Had the “interview” this morning, if you can call it that. Shook hands, sat down, first thing they said was, “Tell me a little about yourself.”
My response to this was to look out the window, blankly, and wonder-Who am I? I was finally able to eek out that I was a freelance artist, mostly illustration, went to school for that thank you, currently busy homemaker with two cats, two snakes, my brother and my husband. And that’s a handful. (What find of fucked up response is that?) Well there goes my first opportunity to talk about job skills. No really, I know how to type, swear!!!! Then proceeded to announce that I was extremely nervous, (in fact, I was so nervous, my neck and shoulder had locked up) and excited to be re-entering the workforce after such a long absence . (What am I saying? Am I retarded? IS this helping me?) I think I said well, you can’t get on the internet without knowing how to use a computer, now can you. (This had to be my worst interview ever) So a little bit more about not working for so long and the woman decides to tell me a little about the Company, which I end up relaying isn’t much more than I learned on their website…(there really isn’t much) So then she tells me what I would be doing and asks if I can count.
???????
Um…last time I checked…can’t do percentages, but I think I can count, I say. (I said that?) AAAAAAAhhhhhh!
So we go back and she introduces me to several peoples backsides and then has me file a few things. and I leave.

All of this takes ten minutes of my time, although I slept like crap last night cuz my honey kept grinding his teeth, and this morning was a zoo, and I was two minutes late for the interview and pissed off about it. So I go home and call the Woman at Act-1 who got me the interview and tell her how badly I feel it went. And she says she’ll call me later.

So I go back to bed for a while, watch TV, get on the computer and she calls me, and she’s more excited than I am, because they already called her, I have the job if I want it, they love me, I was great.
Again…????????????

How these things happen I will never know.

All I DO know is that Friday morning I leave to get my son from up north and get back Saturday night and start monday. Duncan will be in YMCA day camp for the Summer.

So there you have it, I am human again. Maybe this will fix all the problems I have been having for the last year and a half.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! I think I am happy.

Friday, April 12th, 2002
2:10 am
Everyone is here from out of town. We have people from San Francisco, and chicago, in town for rituals and pandemonium. There’s going to be a big party at my mom’s house on saturday and it’s going to be nuts till sunday

Sunday, March 31st, 2002
2:42 am
Club Noire is “Super Excellent!”
Thanx ever so much for a wonderful time, you blessed friend of mine! I had so much fun, and even though the man didn’t feel 100% I think he still had fun. I have to say though, Mooch was not thrilled when we got home, as no one had played with him, and my brother was asleep on the couch with the dvd player going. Heh. Yowled for ten minutes before deciding we had paid him enough atention for the moment. Now he is curled up on the floor near his rug and toy.
Today was better than any day in the last week and a half, I actually feel motivated, even if I haven’t done a whole bunch. I did go to the fabric district in LA with my mom to get fabric for our duvet cover. It is going to look so decadent. Yumminess! Still have to sew it, but I think for now it’s more important to find work and get the laundry finished.

Xian, I owe you a steak…..however you like it.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Who needs it? Been dancing all night!

Thursday, March 28th, 2002
11:24 pm
Even cowgirls get the blues…
Well, I ran away for the weekend. Depression will do that to you. I got my tattoo nearly finished on tuesday by Jason at Incognito in Pasadena. The only part that was painful enough to warrant uttering expletive deleted(s) and other various noises was the part over her hair, which because of who started the tattoo, damn him, was badly scarred. I used up everything my body had that day. 3 hours and 20 minutes of pain later, I get up, I walk downstairs, I walk back up and I almost faint. I had the buzz in my ears to prove it. Eeeeek. And I still don’t love it.I felt that way off and on for the rest of the day and into the night. Had to cancel going to see Blade II because I couldn’t be up for that long. I Believe that I ran out of adrenaline and endorphins. I have to go back in and get more work done, so I can be happy with the finished product. Turns out this guy, whose work is lovely, doesn’t like being told how to do things. Oh well, if I don’t love it, he better fix it…. I have to call him tomorrow
I had been depressed all weekend, and this was just the icing on the proverbial cake. Now, later on in the week, I have reconnected with some friends I haven’t seen in a long time, seen my doctor and been put on wellbutrin and celexa to combat my angst, and found out we have no money again as usual and that I really need to get a job. This last incident actually throwing me into a major panic attack that i had to take a zanax for and go to bed… I hate issues. I really hate alot of things… as soon as I figure out how to get rid of them, maybe I will be happy. One never knows

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: BOA- Elephant

Sunday, March 24th, 2002
4:21 am
Well I had another entry before but I had to remove it, because the man thingy was mad that I would post something so personal. So I took it down out of consideration…in the meantime I did a photo shoot on Friday that was fun until I got a tension headache which became a migraine which lasted fron one in the afternnon till 9 that night. Went to Helter Skelter and danced. Alot. Which was probably a really bad idea considering the headache and migraine that I had were brought on by muscle tension…so today my neck is half locked and if I thought I had to go to the doctor before, now I really need to. I don’t go often enough as it is and I still forget I have insurance now sometimes…

Going to sit at home tomorrow and maybe work on a resume, and watch the Oscars. we print up a list and vote for our favorites pre show and then see who actually guessed correctly. Fun. I need to go back on my diet pronto. EEEK!

Current Mood: awake

Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
3:04 pm
Spent the morning reading a book. The Tattoo Girl by brooke stevens. bizarre.

I wish it were friday.

I wish the apartment would clean itself, and while it’s at it, can it hang my pictures too?

Got up last night to go to the bathroom, and found a cockroach, which our apt manager, who is 72, thought was a waterbug. And while technically being correct, another name for those pesky waterbugs is cockroaches. Who knew? I found that out on the internet. Tried to obliterate it but it ran under the armoire. As I always say, BREED ELSEWHERE!!!!
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Spent the morning reading a book. The Tattoo Girl by brooke stevens. bizarre.

I wish it were friday.

I wish the apartment would clean itself, and while it’s at it, can it hang my pictures too?

Got up last night to go to the bathroom, and found a cockroach, which our apt manager, who is 72, thought was a waterbug. And while technically being correct, another name for those pesky waterbugs is cockroaches. Who knew? I found that out on the internet. Tried to obliterate it but it ran under the armoire. As I always say, BREED ELSEWHERE!!!! <STOMP!!> now strange people are going to have to come and spray harsh chemical all around the building.

At least the sun is out today. As much as I adore the nighttime, I really hate when it’s grey all day. Unless i am in a cemetery or indoors where I can’t tell it’s grey. Depresses me to no end. I like the sun, even if I really don’t want to stand directly in it.

I go into to start work on my big tattoo next tues at 12:30.
Jason at Incognito in pasadena does really wonderful work, so i am looking forward to it.

but enough about me….HA!

Current Mood: hot
Current Music: birds chirping

Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
7:40 pm
Amazing. I left the house.
It took Bowen deciding we had to go, but I got some of the crap I needed to done. Bought large gratuitous quantities of black hair dye for self and man-thing. Also bought three small cobalt blue glass bottles, different sizes all small enough to fit in hand. (OOOOOOO! Pu-ret-tee! Pretty blue glass! Must have glass!) (I have this very large collection, some of which is OLD, of blue glass, it’s kinda like ravens and crows with shiny objects.)
We went to Barnes and Noble, where I proceeded to look at books with pictures of cats while Bowen looked for some book for work…
Didn’t get mice. WTF?
Teeth are bugging me again today.
OH! Finally saw there is a release date for the last of the Evangelion movies. we have them translated from chinese, but wow, does that suck…the series was weird enough but they really mangled the english into near unintelligible gibberish. Plus half the movie is text, and that wasn’t translated at all.
Mmmmmmmm! Food is here. Must to eating stupid amounts of taco crap.

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Apoptygma berserk

2:57 pm
“Cat! LOOK at my sequencer….”
Bowen spent the day in the closet.
After having converted it when we moved into our apartment into a soundproof isolation booth for recording vox he has been using it this last week or so to do voice-overs on a tutorial for a computer program called Reason. ^v^ Kind of amusing to see a man with headphones going into what you know is a closet every fifteen minutes, and then by default, talking to himself.
Unfortunately for him, they didn’t get through very much today…as he has a wonderful bout of bronchitis to deal with. Irony, at it’s best.
I spent the day in the bedroom with MOOCHINGS, our cattings. He insisted on sitting half on and half off my chest as I read a book called Grandmother’s Secrets…which is about belly dancing. It made it rather difficult to turn pages, as he requires whomever he lays with on the bed to continuously stroke his head. After an hour of this, one can become very sleepy, and the constant purring/vibrations don’t help either. I slept WAY too long today. I will probably have to drug myself off to la la land tonight so I can be up before 1pm tomorrow.
I think I am going to start getting more work done on my tattoo on my back this week, barring any strange occurrences.
I have to go to the Beauty supply salon too, get hair dye, feed the snakes. It’s rather sad that I often find it difficult to work up the ?????? to leave the house.
We’ll see if any of this gets done later.

Monday, March 18th, 2002
11:34 pm
I am so completely uninspired now. I just ate…perrrhaps I should try this again later. It must be too early.

Current Mood: blah

Posted November 3rd 2005

Feeling

You can’t go back, in time, in mind;
always ever changing a morphing of realities,
dreams and fleshed out paths alight into a tangled skein.
I know not where I am at once nowhere at one,
If all has existed, died and been reborn,
why cannot time bend for me, what don’t I see?
If I saw it, would I know it, should I?
Control.
I change myself, I change my past, I change my future.
Willingly, unwittingly, unknowing, knowing all.
When will we merge again, when will all worlds be in my grasp?
Will I ever truly let go or have I moved on already…
The wise man admits he knows nothing, yet continues to strive to learn
unto death. Am I dead? Am I alive? Can I feel?
I feel too much.
Connected, ever trembling vibrations of the universe
course through me every waking dreaming hour,
real or imagined.
Like a star in throes of being, I pulsate endlessly.
Perhaps I am waiting for signs of life
signs that I can see, that are not here…
I keep looking.
let go of everything, you see yourself,
you see the world around you…
you are that world in all it’s tragedy and glory.
I am that is.
Who are you?

How the hell do people do it?
Current mood: listless

I don’t get it. How does anyone meet anyone new these days? How do we find who we’re looking for? It has been about four years since I have been with a woman, and as much as I love Bo, he isn’t one. There’s a void, and it’s been eating at me, for something I don’t have. I don’t want to give up, lose or let go of what I have, He’s IMPORTANT, he’s my best friend, we have our own little world…

But how do I explain that to someone else and make them understand, and where do I meet them in the first place? I have met girls online in the past, but it ended badly both times, one with a breakup over IM, due to her being Catholic Italian, and the other was crazy and proceeded to stalk me for 6 months after I left.

I want genuine people, with brains, with decisiciveness, willing to initiate things, I want to be touched in a way that Bo cannot do, I am not desperate, I am FRUSTRATED.

I am still who I was, even if I have changed, those parts of me that were there before are not dead, just denied, and now they have been released and they have nowhere to go , nothing to do, I feel helpless.

Constraints on house and income aside, what can I do? I am working on those things, I have been for a while, now is the best they have been in a long time and we are moving forwards not back, so tell me, where do I look? What do I do? I don’t have the answers…

Definitions
Current mood: contemplative

I was looking at my last entry, and realized that something I said could possibly be misunderstood. I don’t like being misunderstood. Feeds my bipolarity in a way I am not comfortable with. So..

On that note, when I said I needed a contingency plan for leftover sexual tension… well, let me define my train of thought…

HEX was really incredible. I was supposed to play on stage with Sonya, but it took us forever to get there, and in doing so cut short the time that people had to play. Now I haven’t played with anyone except Bowen in a very long time, and I had to work myself up for it, (and it was more than an hour and a half after I got there that I found out I wouldn’t have time to play with Sonya. By this time, I have seen many people that I haven’t seen in years, which in and of itself brings back a ton of memories. Mind you mostly of the backroom at SIN, because of the setting we were in…

So I have myself all worked up, and I am remembering being on stage, and I have to say, I have always loved that rush. Some of it is sexual, but it can’t be helped, we are sexual beings. I do love pain though, or I wouldn’t be into the things that I am, or taunt Bowen as much as I do. (Inciting a riot, I like to call it)

I don’t and wouldn’t expect anything to be “the way it was” as too much time has past, I have changed too. I look for different things now. I just want my friends back. Not with perks, no strings attached, just friends, as I miss deep conversations and dinners and movie night and whatnot…and I miss going out and connecting.

I know on my page it says married, swinger, lesbian… I really didn’t know a good way to get across that I prefer women, have a man, and don’t really want another one. But I also want someone new, and I don’t really want another swinger because it gets so complicated.

We got back from HEX, and Bowen was exhausted, and I was amped, and we know that goes nowhere… so that’s what I meant by tension.  Not that I don’t get my rocks off and my panties in a bind watching people play, especially when they have a good connection with each other, and that I don’t drool when some particular hottie walks past me, or starts grinding on the dance floor…but It’s usually as much watching the act itself than the people involved in them.

Posted November 2nd 2005
For My Friends Who Came To HEX….
Current mood: indescribable

Everyone @ HEX…to whom I spoke, whether briefly, or at great length…Love and Kisses to you all, I had a really great night, (despite being late and not getting to play) and it means the world to me just to know you are all STILL.  I may have been forced to just sit back and watch the evenings proceedings, though I revel in reliving each tiny gasp as if it were my own…I still remember… everything, and how much a part of where I have been and where I have come to, that so many of you played an integral part in.  I wish we all had had more time, and perhaps even, a few more hours sunday morning to sleep in…but I digress-

I missed you all and hope to see many of you again soon, or at the very least keep in contact by way of written word. No need to all fall so far away from each other so often.

I wish the rest of the crew had been able to be there, and I can dream, until then all I can say is Wow. I couldn’t stop smiling all night, and it may not have been as groundbreaking for most of you to arrive, as it was for me, because of the length of time Bowen and I had been absent but I sincerely hope you all had a good time too.

Go Xian! Xian is ..1! (And blue mostly naked bellydancers are very sexy.)

Someone please remind me the next time I think about going out, to have a contingency plan for the sexual tension leftover at the end of the night…I guess I forgot about that. Oops.

Posted October 26 2005

Shit comes around
Current mood: peaceful

For once in my life, Bo knows how I feel.
Ha.  A situation arose in which I acted rudely to his foolishness, and it hurt him. And as much as I am sorry, at the same time I am not, because he does this when he has the upper hand, wins the arguement and leaves me wanting to smack him. So I will apologize in the morning but for now am letting him stew, and sleep on  the couch I might add, as I have done the same in past, so he gets the frustration of being more in the right than wrong and being able to do nothing about it.  Haven’t we all done this?
As much as it sucks, karmically, it’s a needed lesson, whether he wanted me sharing it or not, I already said it has gone the other way. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone goes too far. Fact of life, it’s getting along afterwards that makes the difference.

Posted October 25th 2005

ok, posthaste turned into Pain the butt.
Current mood: exhausted

Pics of three of Bo & my “kids” are up. See “The Crew”  on my friends list…

Posted October 4th 2005
Yesterday…seems so far away
Current mood: content

On my lack of promised post yesterday: I didn’t write, I’m sorry…I ended up going out, completely sperm of the moment, to Malediction, and didn’t get home until very late, and then four of our six cats got out when I came in, because our smart/stupid 9 yr. old white cat, Mooch, has devised a way to open the door without assistance.  It’s a pain in the ass chasing dark cats at 3 in the morning. Oh, yeah…by the way – I have CATS. Six (soon to be four) lovely/quirky big and little cats. Some of my friends may remember Mooch, may know Purusha, but Xian and Sonya are the only ones who have met everybody.

When I say soon to be four, I have (well, we, including Bo) been staying at my Dad’s while we look for at least a one bedroom, for less than $950 a month… and he has fallen in love with one of our 7 mos. old kittens – a little black number that isn’t actually all black. His name is Blue Moon, but we like to call him Boo Boo Kitty Fuck, cuz he gets into Everything.  He has a very dark brown tabby coat, reversed from what one would expect because he’s black and the stripes are a little lighter. But not much, you have to look in good lighting.  So he stays here when we go.

I have another cat, whom I have many stories about, whose name is Aleister Meowly (or “alice”) and he is a twelve year old, once feral/tamed by me, 14-16lb. (depending on the time of the year) Russian blue mix. I met him when we were living in what I affectionately call “the Box”, a crap motel in Glendale near the edge of Eagle Rock. He spent his entire life a fend for yourself, mean lean city tomcat machine, eating mice and rats and anything else he could find, weathering storms under houses and running from people for whatever reasons. I have it on good authority that he was never nice to anyone till me. It got to a point that he would follow me around town and through the park, and came when we called him from anywhere in the one block radius that was his property. Now he is an indoor/outdoor cat, who is warm when it’s cold, cool when it’s hot, and cozy when it’s time to sleep.  I relocated him to my dad’s which was a fair amount of doing in and of itself, (which I had been trying to do for a while before we actually left the motel.) and now, no matter how much I love him, I will be letting him stay here.

“This is home.” he says, more content to just be than ever in his long life before, as he looks up at me with happy squinting eyes.  But I get to visit often and he’ll have Blue to torment, or perhaps the other way around, and food when he wants and a sheepskin throw for kneading, and his big squishy bed to sleep on, so I love on him while I can, and delight in the sound of his purring.

Purusha, our almost four year old classic tabby/abyssinian mix, we got after we moved out of the place we had shered with Avi, because I got a job, and didn’t want my Smoochy-Moochings to get lonely. (previous to that he followed me everywhere) Pusha is almost as smart as Aleis, but hardly street savvy. He is my favourite most of the time. When everything fell apart in my life, (but after he and Mooch had been Leash and Harness trained) I started taking him everywhere with me in a backpack I wore the wrong way. (They didn’t make carriers for cats yet that were inexpensive.) He slept under the covers in the crook of my arms. He does tricks. He kisses noses on command. He whines alot, but he’s very cute.

I started volunteering at the Glendale Humane Society, and ended up with our third cat, Loki, a 12lb. black and white cow with green eyes. We got him when he was a baby, just 2 1/2 weeks old, and I taught Bowen how to bottlefeed him and mommy him, and he was so small he fit in the palm of my hand. We originally named him The Secret Kitten, Secret for short, but when we arrived home one day after sitting in court trying to get a case that was absurd dismissed, we discovered he had unrolled the toilet paper all over the place and his name was subsequently changed. He was about six months old then, he’s almost two now. He’s our Ambassador Qat, and was on a leash from one month on, and has been our window into sharing the truth of cats with hundreds if not at least a couple thousand people. He should be in film.

I have told you about Blue, but not his sister, Miss Pimna. (my dad’s pet name for me as a child when I was being a bratty diva) She looks nothing like her brother and is the smallest cat I have ever seen except for a species of wild but domesticatable cat native to Sri Lanka. She broke her femur when she was a few months old but has recovered nicely.

She and her brother came from a litter of five, from a nice lady whose neighborhood likes to dump their animals, sometimes it gets out of hand and Bo and I have stepped in to help her on many occasions but weren’t able to keep this last litter from coming. I fell in Love with Miss Pimna the moment I saw her, and within a week, she and her brother were home. (Her brother was supposed to be for someone else, but she flaked. I hate flakes.) She is a long-haired charcoal tabby with a white downy undercoat, and when she lifts her tail in the air she looks like a dark skunk.  She has very arresting eyes, and her favorite pastime is staring. At anything, especially people.  She’s a ragdoll floppy girl who loves most everyone on sight but her man is my Bowens.

So that’s the Crew.  Admittedly I have much more to tell everyone but figured something light and fluffy was the order of the day, as my very witing of these posts allows most to understand that all is well enough with us, and that more will follow.

As for anyone new, or otherwise, I will be adding pictures posthaste- (Haha, bad pun) yes right after this goes up, so all can see at least the ones I have digitals of. (I have to get the kittens and my good Aleis pictures developed as my digital camera crapped out about 9 months ago and I haven’t had the ability or money to repair or replace it yet.)

Posted October 22nd 2005
Ruminations on Everything Currently…
Current mood: drained

I haven’t written anything bloggish since my last Livejournal entry who know’s when ago… enough has happened that I care to share at this point that I feel compelled to trudge away at the keys until it comes out in a manner befitting my current mood. Which would be fairly sullen.

In the last month, two of my friends have lost their cats, which in my book, constitutes-companion, friend, and/or family member, I lost an acquaintance to who’s DJ’ing I danced to for many a year, and many a night, and a Friend who because she had transcended so much horrible bullshit in her life, I thought was infallible. She wasn’t.

And I feel slightly numb, and sad. It could have been me, or Bowen, but it wasn’t.  And we’ve been fine for nigh on two years now, except for having no way to get around due to a loss of vehicle, and an innate fear of the police in Glendale (they suck, if you ever plan on doing anything illicit, don’t, I repeat, -DO NOT!!!- hang out in Glendale). According to her Obituary that I read just this morning, I had talked to her within four days of her death. For an hour and a half no less, and the irony of all of this is that the only person that knew me, and her, that had my phone number yet, I have been hunting down my past, was her. We were planning to hang out the next week, she said she’d call, she never did, and I assumed she’d gotten busy, as she is wont to do at times…and thought nothing of it.

I was told at DJ Jen’s memorial, she had died, on authority from someone who wasn’t present, and refused to believe it, it wasn’t until I heard it from someone else, that it began to dawn on me.  And then I started searching the internet…Shock…

I have known Leticia since shortly after meeting Dave, as she was his little concubine so to speak… such a twisted but loving relationship those two had.  The first time I met her, she ended sleeping in my bed, we talked half the night and more the next day… she was still with her husband at the time.  She told me last month that if it hadn’t been for me she didn’t know if she still would have been with his abusive personage or not, and that she felt as though I had helped her gain her freedom from that life, to move on to the next…

She and I had so much in common, including Dave, and I am going to miss her, even if in recent years I hadn’t seen her.

Nor have I seen anybody, for that matter, but that’s another blog at this point, I have upset myself, and I have to disappear to mope now, at least for a little while, and I suppose I should explain my absence on the morrow as it were.

Posted August 25th 2006
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth
Current mood: sick

Why is it these days that no one is able to appreciate the things they’re given?
I don’t understand why no matter how much you give, it never seems to be good enough.
People can’t take NO for an answer. Maybe means yes, and please is just something we say when we are pretending to be adults.
I wish that selective hearing had gone out with the 50’s and we could all own up to our desires and be honest with each other.
I would love if all could quit the drama, and not assume that everything around us is about us.
I make my fair share of bullshit. I try my best to own up to my mistakes, to be forgiving and honest with myself and with others.
I just think we could all do better in life to respect each other, and understand that we all have limitations, and it’s not our place to judge each other, but to try to understand why we are who we are instead.

Posted August 2nd 2006
god damned army!
Current mood: irate

omfg! I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but it’s too frickin late at night and I want to kill all humans!  Fcking insomnia, fckin oversleeping, fcking D&D, fcking noisy ass-window scratching-banging shit around yowling cat of mine. (I love animals, but lately I want to kill this one too)
if I were still totally OCD, i might be able to deal with all the shit going on right now, but i am not and i don’t have a fcking schedule, and my kids not really listening to me and I really just want several large objects that react well to blunt force trauma to beat senseless for a while.

MOOCH!!!!! Shut Up! fcking cat! did I mention it’s 3:30?

Posted July 18th 2006
Lust
Current mood: determined

So…

Have you ever had a moment that you wish you could make last forever?

Touched someone you never wanted to take your hands off of?

Been so enchanted you forget where you are?

I love LUST!

I find it so unfortunate that it’s been scientifically proven that one cannot stay in a state of lust forever because our frail bodies aren’t capable of supporting that kind of chemical onslaught for more than a short length of time.

Posted June 20th 2006

10 Layers :Cathy’s fault
Current mood: calm

10 LAYERS OF ME!

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Laurel Noelle
Birth date: December 25th

Current Location: Los Angeles
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown & Black, some white…I need to dye it.
Righty or Lefty: Righty

Zodiac Sign: I am a double Capricorn

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE

Your heritage: German, Czech, English & Welsh
What Shoes: Boots!

Your fears: Fear itself

Your perfect pizza: Very light sauce, TON of cheese, fresh basil, onions, canadian bacon- sliced thin or chicken.
Goal you’d like to achieve: Now that’s my problem…?

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW:
Your most overused phrase: God Damned Army ( no relation to Bush or our current situation)

Your thoughts first waking up: Cigarette.

Your best physical feature: Hair
Your bedtime: Never when it should be, always late

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK:
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald’s or Burger King: Neither, Jack in the Box
Single or group dates: Single
Adidas or Nike: Yuck Labels.

Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: Yes, but I keep trying to quit
Curse: “you see, is what it is, is like Fuck!”
Take a shower: Um, yeah, maybe not as often as I should but yeah.

Like(d) high school: Some of it yes, some no
Get motion sickness: on really windy roads

Think you’re a health freak: NO. I wish I was sometimes

Do you get along w/ your parents: My dad, not really my mom
Like thunderstorms: Good for dancing naked in… LOve them!!!!!!!!

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: Yes
Gone to the mall: No
Been on stage: Yes
Been dumped: No
Gone skating: No
Gone skinny-dipping: No
Dyed your hair: Not yet
Been Kissed: Yes

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
Gotten beaten up: Yes
Changed who you were to fit in: i hope not, but who knows?

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: Am Married
Describe your dream wedding: Had it.
What country would you most like to visit: Japan

LAYER NINE: IN A GUY
Best eye color?: Green
Best hair color?: Brown

Short or long hair: Long
Height: Taller
Best first date location:anywhere but really cheap restaurants like McD’s.
Articles of clothing: Sexy but relaxed.

Best first kiss location: Anywhere (seconding Cathy’s opinion here)

LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people I can trust: 5
Number of CD’s I own: Lots

Number of piercings: 5
Number of times been on T.V: I don’t know, but that’s a long story and one I am not at liberty to divulge
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper?: 2
Number of scars on my body: Can’t count them. lots.

Number of things in my past that I regret: ou what you are, and how do I know I should regret something if I can’t know it would have made me happier or better?

Posted June 17th 2006
putting my house in order
Current mood: exhausted

Well, it’s been two and a half months since we moved in to our new place down here near Malediction, and we are finally days away from being finished getting everthing put away in it’s proper place.  It’s been some three odd years since I had seen most of my things, and I ended up getting rid of  two thirds of it all.  What’s left now are just those few things which are precious to me, and those objecst that while pretty in their own right, serve a doulbe purpose in our household as functioning acoutrements.

After our sewing projects are completed, it will feel like an ecclectic opium den. In the next month or two, I will be buying more plants, closing in our window with some screen, and purchasing enough sheer fabric to create a drape tentish accent on our ceiling. I also get to finally bring my snake over from my dad’s. That’s going to make me very happy.

Although, he does get free meals at my dad’s, as my cat, Aleister Meowley, that was once feral, and had decided he liked my dad’s big yard better than me, has brought my father a “present” recently, which my dad in turn fed to my snake. Heh. Food Chain.

My feet hurt, my back is sore from making all our books fit on our 8 foot bookshelf, but I feel good in my space, and I can’t wait to share it with my friends.

Posted December 19th 2005
I SUCK!
Current mood: creative

Yes, that’s right, you heard me, and I don’t mean golf balls thru garden hoses. I mean I suck in the sense I have said nothing for a fairly long period of time. I say, “oh,  I am so busy”, and while that may have been part of it, I find that I had been sorely lacking the words I wanted just to use my voice. So I said nothing as though I were mute, and let emails slide as though blind. That being said, everything I have received I have read, If not said something to or made Bowen respond to.  I have been somewhat busy, I got two cats fixed at the end of last month, dealt with a friend whose mother is getting dementia, Lost my wallet, or had it stolen, don’t know…prepared for Christmas and my son coming down, all the while living with my dad, in a mildly tense, sometimes arguementative situation, trying to keep everyone happy and maintain some semblance of having a real life according to others.

I (and Bo) did get my big present already this year, and can I just say, Unnnnnghghhhgggghhhh! So HOT! It’s a Nikon D50 digital camera that’s an SLR and we got a shit hot package even though it was overcharged. A monkey would have a hard time taking a reaallly bad photo with this camera, but since getting it on the 15th, I have taken so many really good pictures, and I don’t even have the camera figured out yet, we’re taking fairly basic menu options and the pictures are so good, (I am not boasting, honest) I can’t really put anything up yet, because we have to watermark everything and the program we are using just isn’t good enough…but, well, you will all see soon enough.
If you’re willing to go on my word and past photos- on my page and The Crew (our cat’s page) I could use the work!
I want to go professional anyway.
So there’s the news for this week, other than the wallet being gone and me trying desperately to figure out how to go out for New Year’s Eve. Anyone got a bright Idea?

Posted November 11 2005
Uhhhhmmmm.. grrrrr.
Current mood: devious

If there is a soul out there that has not been corseted, consider it bondage, voluntarily, to the Nth degree. I am in heaven. Sonya, I love you.. oh god, it fits…
To everybody else, current developments announce the possiblility of a new dungeon, give me a month or two…oh, the horror! Heh…keep your eyes glued to this blog.

Posted March 14th 2007

Frakking Computer!
Current mood: enraged
Bane of my existence.
I know, I rarely blog, bowen usually has already let everyone know what’s going on and I seriously dislike being redundant.
but this cannot be contained…
…after today’s photoshoot, (which went very well and I am quite pleased with, thanks Mischievous!) our hard drive that is external to the machine decided today was a good day to attempt to eat shit.
no word yet on the actual prognosis, other than thank god the master of the most recent remix is on another PC.
photos from October 2006 through Jan 1 2007 and Bowen’s entire DJ catalog and the music he had made in the last year, among other “really important shit” still up for grabs.
JMFHC!!!!!
Two weeks till we leave for Chicago, and only a month before our lease is up.
something must be killed to abate my current mood.
anyone have a 250gig iomega external hard drive, firewire cage and a clean room to perform major PC surgery in, cost and payment to be arranged?
going to go shoot myself in the head so I don’t have to think about this anymore.

Posted January 10th 2007
Photography Workshop with David Lawerence

This is a full week-end workshop that will cover many aspects of photography. It will begin on Friday evening and continue through Sunday night. In total there will be more than 24 hours of knowledge sharing in this dynamic workshop presented by one of the most renowned fetish photographers.

Areas to be covered are studio lighting with a concentration on the classical portrait styles. David will also cover headshot, glamour and fashion lighting styles during the studio lighting segment. The two methods discussed and demonstrated will be low and high key studio lighting. The final area of lighting in the studio segment will be the female nude as related to art, fetish and fetish fashion.

Location photography will be discussed in depth and then the workshop will go on the road to a predetermined location to enable all participants to obtain hands on experience of how David works with location challenges. The locations will include daytime and night photography segments. David’s mastery over location photography has been accomplished over 30 years of shooting on location with brides, fashion, editorial, corporate, fetish and portrait photography. There will be a concentration on lighting and use of environment to enhance your subject/images.

There will be discussions throughout the workshop that cover a myriad of topics such as composition, distortion & perspective, film v. digital, communication skills for the photographer, lens selection, thinking outside the box, breaking the rules, creating impact with images and more.

Don’t miss out on this opportunity. Register today and participate in a workshop that will make a difference in your grasp of photography, whether you are a professional or amateur. The workshop is limited to 30 persons.

Friday – 2-16-07 – Meet & Greet 7:30 – 9:30
Saturday – 2-17-07 — Studio Lighting and Night Photography – 9am to 9 pm
Sunday — 2-18-07 – Location Photography and Female Nude – 9am to 6 pm
Workshop costs – $400 To reserve your space send an email to –
davidlawerence@shibariartphotography.com
He will provide you with a mailing address where payment can be sent.
David’s work and bio can be seen at www.shibariartphotography.com
Los Angeles contact is CharlyB (562) 746-2896 or charly@charly-b.com

[if it weren't for being so broke, we would definitely be there.]

Posted December 10th 2006

“Is what it is is, is like f**k!
Current mood: sore
Long long day has finally passed. Never enough time this time of year. The air is verdant, wet with rain finally, the smell of mulling spices haunting me, and in every corner, on every screen, amidst the aisles of excess-the sound of spending, sung by Bing Crosby.

Like alarms that go off in the event of an airstrike, I run from the shrill demands of corporate monopoly, cringing everytime I hear there are more chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

The wonder and thrill of childhood, and half-eaten cookies long gone, replaced by a sickness, a lingering clinging heaviness…like layaway, that long into the new resolutions of living freely the bonds will still have hold of my will, my money: the payments on the things my child demands costing much more than the initial purchase price.

I look forward to my birthday with both anticipation and trepidation, an innate fear of being ignored again, so constant has the chime, “when is your birthday again? It’s in december isn’t it?” rang true for me, and hope that this time, both Jesus and Pere Noel will clear a place for me to stand.

I wish a multitude of peace and understanding on the masses, my pitiful attempts to change the world with kindness, killing it softly, so I don’t have to watch.

I would be that me all the year through, though no one would praise me unless the memory of snow seemed imminent, and the air had crisped to a bump raised among the millions, every follicle blown over by the breath of shorter days and longer nights.

I will fill the stockings, arm the dying tree, hide the boxes and the plastic as long as I can, knowing it will only last until the dumpster smiles upon it in gleeful acceptance. I will shoo the cats as the troop of them seek to undermine every beautification process I attempt.

If not to eat the ornament, to rip the paper, remove the bow, shred the garland, chew the cards, and break the meager decor I have collected since my inception.

Each little bauble, meaning a year, a birthday, a present…the only ones remembered clearly the cameras I have used to capture these days again and again.

My cats have all arrived on their terms, my son more mystified by the act of giving than recieving. My husband, eyes ever bigger than his stomach, wants.

I wish only for more time, to be my business, to grok my love, to revel in my friends.

A lifetime of time to clean and savour every moment that was never tied to disappointment, and be a babe, again once more, manic till the deadline passes, now I lapse the waking hour, content to wait till the tea is stupid and the smoke has cleared my fog away before revealing careful plots to joyful abandon.

When all is over, and the storm has passed, the year is not the same, the name has changed, the six alighted, seven reigns…I’ll find the homes for new belongings, mourn the loss of time and space again, and try to slow this passage so the next one creeps along till I can stand to hear the promise of the season before giving my thanks to the universe.

My birthday, Christmas day.

Posted October 14th 2006

misconceptions
Current mood: loved

The imperfection of you is reflected in me,
and while you lived, vicarious, through me
thinking a similarity implied itself-
the mirror does not often see clearly.
Your love…hopes and dreams
were always every only- singularly yours,
and in living, breathing, striving-
boundaries emerge from trial and error.
No one is perfect except perfectly flawed.
Each unwelcome unwanted piece of self
denied  accepted  wanted
not yours to choose for me – for anyone – yourself.
Insubstantially included in this subterfuge,
equation theorized   wandering    if

If something could have played out
differently, metamorphasized quietly
into the waiting arms of desire for more.
I have looked upon myself and been alone
seeing past my self to the unchartered unknown.
I never saw the mirror you looked on except with
disdain, for fear irrational of becoming less:
than myself, for I was never you
of you…irrefutible but not you.
The world changed like melting ice caps
carving meticulous silent pathways
charting flow and velocity of matter
matter not
in it’s course, rarely affected, altered.
I could not have chosen this but
was given route by flux.

Your voice, your generation, your age’s respect,
my youth, my debt, my dilemma
thrust by booms or better offs,
with indecisive culpability for all ignored
unknown reactions and causality.
Lazy, ineffectual, depressed, angst,
uneducated, selfish, materialistic,
no ritual, no family values, no honor,
respect, duty or obligation.
Resultant intellect can stifle
on our rising global temperate-tures
our fading ozone shield.
Idyllic, idealistic, determined no longer.

I feel to feel, to remember to exist at all,
for helplessness, fear and greed have overcome
our senses, the collective unconscious-
begins to see nothing
but green rising upward, drilling down, choking the air,
the will to breathe.
Cater to the lowest common denominator;

ease of use, time saver, convenience, complicate,

accuse, defer, abuse, blame, allocate, downsize,

accost, misunderstand, ignored, uninformed,

deceived, agendized, controlled, manipulated.

Our world this day: waiting fervently for the
polar shift to wipe the slate clear.
The world I live in, the product of
schedule, demand, deficit.
I, held accountable. Being fed poison
from boxes of light, waves of information, polled for value,
can’t be anyone but me but can’t be helped.

The plight of man is a disease the pharmeceutical company
doesn’t want you to know there’s a cure for.
It costs them profit. Margin. So who needs a rain forest?
If my yacht isn’t big enough I think
I will buy a conglomerate
and take over a third world country
and if anyone asks what I am doing
I’ll just tell them THEY told me to do it.

I may appear less than happy, pleased with myself,
a wandering soul searching for repose,
a buddha without a belly,
but this conflict lies not in my belief-
or my worth, but in one small voice,
being smothered by a billion advertisements,
for a “better” me.

Always was beautiful, always was intelligent.
Always was my downfall…
this awareness of this place that I inhabit
filled to overflowing with myself
yet no one to talk to, no one with answers I can use.
My future static, white noise in a
dim of placating emission and exhaust.

You did just fine by me, assuredly.
Example of, declined to be and wants to emulate.
These days it does not matter
I sound like you…
it’s merely a transmission,
not the content.
So torn apart,
united finally.
Without you, I am you.
The question being whether
either of us exists at all,
nothing but glass?

Note: edited for spelling error and punctuation two days after initial writing.

Posted April 21st 2007
Sick

Ugh. Ick. Blech. I hate being sick. Too much stuff in too little time, and of course I get bombed with the fever missile of fatigue and blahs. So sick I actually watched romancing the stone and ate popcorn today. If that tells you anything.

Posted April 15th 2007
I am back!

And it isn’t freezing here, or snowing. I don’t need three layers of clothing just to exist. Not that I didn’t have a blast. I did, in more ways than one, including being blasted in the face by wind. A lot.

though of course when I came back we had crazy wind and a sick kitten to contend with. but i am happy to be home, and my other kitties weren’t mad that I was gone for so long. I missed them though. So if you missed me, and you want to see me, come to malediction tonight.

Posted April 3rd 2007
one of those days
Current mood: numb

I really miss my cats.

Badly. And all I want to do is curl up with my Purusha right now.

It’s cold here. Cold and rainy and windy and dark. Not nearly enough green, and not enough moon seen to charge my crystal.

I guess my friends’ cat is sick, but other than that I know very little about how mine are doing, aside from that within three days of my leaving, my Purusha started to hide all the time. Which upsets me, and breaks my heart, even though I knew he wouldn’t take it that well.

As far as the rest of my cats, well, I guess they are fine because they are eating, and I have been told they are fine. Whatever that means. Doesn’t say much.

Give me a reason. To breathe, or something.

I am still here…maybe…maybe I am still asleep today.

Posted March 27th 2007
Leaving Soon!
Current mood: busy

Only one more day before Bowen and I hop on a plane and head out for Chicago for almost two weeks.

Last minute doctor’s appt. tomorrow, and the last of the house straightening up and packing and we’re good to go.

I’ve been to mexico 3 times, Yosemite, San Fran, (well, heck…truth be told I have been to most of the interesting places in California, but I didn’t get to hang out in Berkeley), Monterey Bay, Arizona, Las Vegas, and Florida to visit Bowen’s parents…

…and this is the first time I will be going anywhere long enough to immerse myself in a different kind of culture. I have no idea what to expect, except for knowing so many landmarks, and descriptions of places because Bowen has been telling me about since we met 7 years ago.

I am going to miss my cats the most (no offense dear friends…) especially Purusha. I think he is going to miss me more. I really hope they don’t give the catsitter too much trouble. The longest I (or bowen) have been away from our cats was three days, and they were all put out that we had disappeared for that long, and I really hope that the fact there are 6 of them here right now will help them stay entertained.

That’s probably wishful thinking. I think it’s a safer bet to wonder which one will hold the grudge the longest.

Oh well.

we’ll be back in constant communication after the 10th, but I will keep everyone posted and try to put up some pictures while I am there, and we can still be reached by internet.

We will be staying with our friends who own The Occult Bookstore, and I can’t wait for our 6th wedding anniversary! (get to spend it with Bowen’s parents…but not the night part, heh)

I wonder what he’s gonna get me for our anniversary?

I won’t tell what I got for him. Shhhhhh!!!

So Bon Voyage to me!

Posted March 2007
Installment #2
Current mood: tired

it’s hard to get off club schedule once you’re on it…yes I am still awake, not that I sleep much anyway. Most of the time…

here’s one for a lot of you, you know who you are~

Procrastination

Due tomorrow, due today,
a sinking, drowning feeling
in my head and in my stomach;
I’ve waited and waited
and waited so long
that I know it’s the end of the line.

When the guilt sets in
and my ego shrinks down
to the size of a crumb,
I realize then what it is
that I know I should have done
but it’s already too late.

And only in my mind
I think, that I could have tried,
that I wasn’t too late,
and I could have done something
instead of absolutely nothing…
…except just to procrastinate.

02.22.1988

a new use for my blog…
Current mood: awake

Since bowen usually posts all pertinent news, and I don’t post unless, well, unless I really feel the need…
…I decided to post some of my poetry over time to amuse some of you.

some of it’s has been published, some of it hasn’t, all of it is copyrighted.

I hope you enjoy it.

Muse

Like a drug that I can’t live without.
Infected by your nature, I think you are -
contagious.
Please…feel free to sneeze.

In the energy of now and until then
you are the bluest skies, the clearest oceans,
an everchanging work of art.

Symbiotic vibrations to the core of heat.
I pulse with the flow of you,
coursing through my veins,
reflected in my eyes.

The paper, the ink, the double edged sword,
the canvas and paint, the silk robe…
you are all these and more.

The breeze that blows against my back,
the sunlight filtered into my soul.

I am but one single tear in the palm of your hands.
But I will not evaporate.
My tear, my ME,
is as an ocean running over to brimming.
Song and music bursting out of a bubble.

My dreams and desires, darkest secrets, hidden pleasures,
revealed to you, no one else holds so much over me.
You hold the key,
and are the lock itself.

But I am freer than before, floating blissful -
decadent – open.
I accept.
I come.
I scream.
It’s too bright to see anything,
but unquestionably,
I feel you.

My muse, my imagination, the whole of you,
is a piece of me.
Image fixed.

07.08.1999

Posted may 30th 2007

regardless…

Whether I exist in anyone else’s minds,
or not…
I am still here. In my own time, in this space I take up: these atoms, this energy, however expended,
or not…
if I hoped that others collided with me now or ever did, doesn’t matter.

I smile. The time moves, regardless.

posted May 11th 2007
CAT RECENTLY IN DIRE SITUATION
THIS IS STILL NOT A RESCUE REQUEST

For those of you who know us, The Crew (of Moochings, Purusha, Loki, Pimna and Boo Boo…), our love of our littlest friend Bastet (as well as those folx that feed us, well, they love Cats too…) is surpassed by little else (‘cept maybe tuna… or catnip…). Please hear our prayer…

Since our humans returned from Chicago, our youngest, Bastet, star of the Occult Bookstore Ads, was discovered to be deathly ill.

After nearly a week of continuous round the clock care, attempting to treat her, she developed frightening syptoms that fell out of the scope of our (Or the humans) ability to make any headway with, and was taken to the vet early the morning of April 16th.

While the 5 days of antibiotics, and supplements dramatically improved her overall health by almost 25%, the hard masses that had swelled her lip and cheek area that had not changed have turned out to be hardened abcesses that she obtained sometime while we were out of town. Due to the death of the tissue and nerves in this area, which only became apparent after the skin cracked and began to separate from her face that morning (Though we all have to admit the moment that it happened we caught it happening, she was happy and playful literally minutes before….) it became obvious that it was a life or death situation.

Upon the vet’s inspection mere minutes later, they determined that the abcesses that had formed in her upper cheeks had gone beyond any possible help. She had to have immediate surgery to remove the necrotic tissue and repair as much of the damage to the surrounding living tissue as possible. Finding the news we immediately pooled our bill monies, food monies, and still had to make several phone calls to find someone willing to loan the money to us to cover the rest. Hours later she was returned to the same vet.

That evening, while still fighting the raging infection that was coursing through her system, she lost the entire area her whiskers mount in on the left side of her face, and required repairative work in and on the right upper lip. Due to her unbearably weak condition, they were unable to give her anything but a gas anesthesia in the hope that it was mild enough for her body at the time, and were told “…if all goes well, she will be back recouperating with [us] sometime later the next day.”

This surgery was not inexpensive. The follow up care will require additional fees. We have already covered as much of it as we can afford, and then some.

Please help us make sure this sweet adoring kitten has the best future possible in her new home, with her elderly female (and oddly japanese, and lucky to boot) catmate, and her new adoring and loving humans, who were kind enough to see past this gorgeous kitten’s unfortunate exposed teeth (One of our humans insists upon calling her a Snaggle-Puss… We think its kinda cute….)

We ALL thank you from the bottom of our hearts; both those of you who have helped send love and energy to help her through this time, and those of you who might be able to afford even the smallest of somethings to help the lot of us out with this situation.

Purrs and Katnips;
The Crew (And their loving humans)

[ if you are interested in seeing the pre-op and post-op photos to get a better idea of what had happened, out of respect for those easily squeamish, we have posted them at a seperate location which you can find HERE. ]

..>..>..>..>

Donations for the surgery
and follow-ups can be made
to the Bastet Relief Fund
by clicking the link below: which is not here. See Myspace for original, still need help…

www.myspace.com/laurelnoelle

make donation or not

bastet

________________________________________________________________

Bastet

The saucers wide filled with light and wonders,
worshipped reverent through all ages, eons,
your serendipitous arrival was my good fortune-
divining rod of drive is but to look upon you.
Tail curved over delicate feet tucked tight defiance.
A Nuit, an idol meant for adoring stars near and far,
moonbeams cast shadows through your coat of fur.

A million miles, minutes passed between us;
from the days of milk and honey to the wars
of oil and greed, and yet you purr still
blessed feline goddess incarnate always.

A nuzzled neck leans further for the hand,
the passing current wracked with energy.
If fleeting moments never sat in silence
you could hear her from the distance:
a pitter patter, plaintive miaowling
as need equates to love demands respect.

Above all comfort sought amidst the twilight,
deepens as the moon should waxing fill…
…my soul vibrates thrumming time in no space
full with memories of now to bring you home.

16 April 2007 – laurelnoelle

posted May 1st 2007

kitten has gone to new home

and should be happy. she’s doing much better though we still need to recoup our losses. more to come on that in the day tomorrow.

anyone going to lightning in a bottle this next weekend?

just wondering…

posted May 1st 2007

To all of my friends out there, we have $750 a month plus Utilities ($100-125) we can put in…

It’s Bowen and me, 5 cats (that are well trained – meaning they are even leash and harness trained and do tricks on command), a snake (sweet and caged, mind you), and my son when he’s here (which is summer and christmas, he’s 11).

I have a washer and dryer “in storage” and we have a nice fridge and a microwave, along with the workings of a gourmet kitchen, and I cook like crazy…

We use a cable modem (roadrunner high speed – yes it really is that good) and get HD cable along with a DVR, and would split that bill, cuz we aren’t getting rid of it…

Would anyone be interested in going in with us to get a nice big loft, or a house big enough to each have our own rooms, a room for computers and music, and a hook up for my handy dandy washer and dryer (that means no more laundrymats, or 2$ a load). Maybe we get lucky and even get a dishwasher?

If you are interested (one of you or a couple, or best friends that already live together, no dogs, not too many cats ) please let me know. Or, if you know interested people (with OK credit, cuz ours sux, but we have a co-signer) send them my way. We don’t want to get stuck in our place which isn’t big enough forever.

So essentially we’re talking about something you or more than one of you, puts in at least what we are…in the LA/Hollywood area, close to Bus/Metro…

Spread the word.

Seriously.

Laurel (and Bowen)

Mini Survey…
Current mood: enthralled
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Ok.

So what I want to know, from all my blog reading friends out there, is this:

How many of you are totally addicted to watching Heroes?

no really, I wanna know. So comment.

And we’ll have some fun discussion!

9:06 PM – 4 Comments – 2 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

posted April 30th 2007
up late and laughing my ass off
Current mood: amused

carlos mencia is funny. and honest. Can I just say that’s my kind of people…

anybody who knows me, but missed tonights’ episodes that were on, should find them and watch them. Why?

Because when I hear that someone thinks I am too blunt, or say innappropriate things, carlos pointed out that white people have limited their own freedom of speech. It’s true. Think about it.

I just say what others won’t. But don’t think I don’t care about people. I do. I care enough to not censor myself.

Love it or hate it.
Just BE.

posted April 27th 2007

Survey (Stolen from Cathy- Stolen From Michelle- stolen from Evan Monster)

“Truly Original Survey”

Would you do this?
1. Join the Military or the Mob?
The mob.

2. Turn a close friend in if they committed a serious offense ex. murder?
It depends on the situation.

3. Make one porno if it meant never having to work again?
Yes.

4. Cheat on your bf/gf with your biggest crush if there was no possibility that they would EVER find out?
I have done, a long time ago, no he never did find out, and no you don’t know him.

5. Eat spoiled food from the garbage or go hungry?
Are you kidding, I already had to at one point.

What if…
1. In your relationship you find out you are going to have a baby but one of you doesn’t want it. Who has the right to choose?
The woman does. But that doesn’t make it easy or ultimately the right decision either.

2. Your partner had to work overseas for a year, would you consider playing around?
I’d go with them. -I agree with this, If I can’t go, neither should they.

3. You find out before having sex for the first time with your partner that they have a highly contagious STD, would you still have sex with them?
No. Very not cool.

4. You are in a serious accident in the middle of nowhere and your only chance of survival is to cut off your own arm, would you do it?
I’d hope I had the right tools to do it.

5. You had to kill a member of your family if it meant you would save thousands of lives, would you?
Depends.

Yes or No

1. Have you had cyber-sex?
Yes. It can be fun with the right person.

2. Would you masturbate in front of your partner?
All the time!

3. Would you tell your partner (who you really love) that they are bad in bed?
That’s really mean. Cathy’s got the right idea, you focus on what does work while helping them past what isn’t.

4. While having sex, have you ever thought about someone else to keep you turned on?
Yes. Who hasn’t? I mean really people…

5. Have you ever looked at a family member and felt sexually attracted to them?
ummmmmmmmmm…

What do you think?
1. Gay marriage is wrong?
No.

2. The night of your best-friend’s wedding their fiance comes on to you, should you tell your best-friend?
no, but that fiance is getting read the riot act.

3. You catch one of your parents having a one-night-stand, should you tell the other parent?
It did, and eventually I did because their relationship was suffering and I kept ending up in the middle.

4. Your partner wants to go to a “swingers” club, would you go to keep your partner happy?
LOL. I think this question is funny. It makes me laugh a little.- Swingers club? Doesn’t everyone just do this anyway? Or just everybody I know?

5. You are about to tell your spouse that you want a divorce but they just found out that a close family member is dying, do you still tell them?
Yes. When you are that unhappy, you can’t do that to yourself, no matter the circumstance surrounding it.

Finale!
1. Would you/Have you ever faked illness to get attention?
In elementary school maybe.

2. You are the first to arrive at the scene of an accident but it turns out that the person hurt is your worst enemy, do you help or walk away?
Help.

3. You have a non life threatening sexual disease, would you have a one night stand without telling the person?
Not a chance.

4. Do you think it is important to tell the truth or spare someone’s feelings?
I used to think spare some one’s feelings, but I found that ultimately, they aren’t spared anyway. Now I believe far more in truth, it may just take me a moment to be ready to say it. – Honesty is always the best policy.

5. Do you think this survey was truly original?
More than most.

posted April 25th 2007

If you have Time Warner, you know what I am talking about…not that their internet connection is bad, but their service and the actual TV and DVR we have, signal and the actual box, sux. I think we should start a petition, and send it to the better business bureau. Who’s with me?!!!!!

It’s no great rant, but I’m tired and I have a migraine, and this fucking shit should just work already…man on the moon, atomic bomb, iPods…Whatever.

posted April 24th 2007

Got an ear for musik?
Current mood: anxious
Category: Music

Go check out OoahMu$ik.

If you dare.

We like him ’round here.

4:54 PM

Oops.
Current mood: blah

I made my honey sick too. But the kitten is doing much better.

thus concludes the first edition of previous posts, now heading into future tense, due to the posting of said articles in reverse chronilogical order.