From whence it came…never to return.
Posted November 3rd 2005
Feeling
You can’t go back, in time, in mind;
always ever changing a morphing of realities,
dreams and fleshed out paths alight into a tangled skein.
I know not where I am at once nowhere at one,
If all has existed, died and been reborn,
why cannot time bend for me, what don’t I see?
If I saw it, would I know it, should I?
Control.
I change myself, I change my past, I change my future.
Willingly, unwittingly, unknowing, knowing all.
When will we merge again, when will all worlds be in my grasp?
Will I ever truly let go or have I moved on already…
The wise man admits he knows nothing, yet continues to strive to learn
unto death. Am I dead? Am I alive? Can I feel?
I feel too much.
Connected, ever trembling vibrations of the universe
course through me every waking dreaming hour,
real or imagined.
Like a star in throes of being, I pulsate endlessly.
Perhaps I am waiting for signs of life
signs that I can see, that are not here…
I keep looking.
let go of everything, you see yourself,
you see the world around you…
you are that world in all it’s tragedy and glory.
I am that is.
Who are you?
How the hell do people do it?
Current mood: listless
I don’t get it. How does anyone meet anyone new these days? How do we find who we’re looking for? It has been about four years since I have been with a woman, and as much as I love Bo, he isn’t one. There’s a void, and it’s been eating at me, for something I don’t have. I don’t want to give up, lose or let go of what I have, He’s IMPORTANT, he’s my best friend, we have our own little world…
But how do I explain that to someone else and make them understand, and where do I meet them in the first place? I have met girls online in the past, but it ended badly both times, one with a breakup over IM, due to her being Catholic Italian, and the other was crazy and proceeded to stalk me for 6 months after I left.
I want genuine people, with brains, with decisiciveness, willing to initiate things, I want to be touched in a way that Bo cannot do, I am not desperate, I am FRUSTRATED.
I am still who I was, even if I have changed, those parts of me that were there before are not dead, just denied, and now they have been released and they have nowhere to go , nothing to do, I feel helpless.
Constraints on house and income aside, what can I do? I am working on those things, I have been for a while, now is the best they have been in a long time and we are moving forwards not back, so tell me, where do I look? What do I do? I don’t have the answers…
Definitions
Current mood: contemplative
I was looking at my last entry, and realized that something I said could possibly be misunderstood. I don’t like being misunderstood. Feeds my bipolarity in a way I am not comfortable with. So..
On that note, when I said I needed a contingency plan for leftover sexual tension… well, let me define my train of thought…
HEX was really incredible. I was supposed to play on stage with Sonya, but it took us forever to get there, and in doing so cut short the time that people had to play. Now I haven’t played with anyone except Bowen in a very long time, and I had to work myself up for it, (and it was more than an hour and a half after I got there that I found out I wouldn’t have time to play with Sonya. By this time, I have seen many people that I haven’t seen in years, which in and of itself brings back a ton of memories. Mind you mostly of the backroom at SIN, because of the setting we were in…
So I have myself all worked up, and I am remembering being on stage, and I have to say, I have always loved that rush. Some of it is sexual, but it can’t be helped, we are sexual beings. I do love pain though, or I wouldn’t be into the things that I am, or taunt Bowen as much as I do. (Inciting a riot, I like to call it)
I don’t and wouldn’t expect anything to be “the way it was” as too much time has past, I have changed too. I look for different things now. I just want my friends back. Not with perks, no strings attached, just friends, as I miss deep conversations and dinners and movie night and whatnot…and I miss going out and connecting.
I know on my page it says married, swinger, lesbian… I really didn’t know a good way to get across that I prefer women, have a man, and don’t really want another one. But I also want someone new, and I don’t really want another swinger because it gets so complicated.
We got back from HEX, and Bowen was exhausted, and I was amped, and we know that goes nowhere… so that’s what I meant by tension. Not that I don’t get my rocks off and my panties in a bind watching people play, especially when they have a good connection with each other, and that I don’t drool when some particular hottie walks past me, or starts grinding on the dance floor…but It’s usually as much watching the act itself than the people involved in them.
Posted November 2nd 2005
For My Friends Who Came To HEX….
Current mood: indescribable
Everyone @ HEX…to whom I spoke, whether briefly, or at great length…Love and Kisses to you all, I had a really great night, (despite being late and not getting to play) and it means the world to me just to know you are all STILL. I may have been forced to just sit back and watch the evenings proceedings, though I revel in reliving each tiny gasp as if it were my own…I still remember… everything, and how much a part of where I have been and where I have come to, that so many of you played an integral part in. I wish we all had had more time, and perhaps even, a few more hours sunday morning to sleep in…but I digress-
I missed you all and hope to see many of you again soon, or at the very least keep in contact by way of written word. No need to all fall so far away from each other so often.
I wish the rest of the crew had been able to be there, and I can dream, until then all I can say is Wow. I couldn’t stop smiling all night, and it may not have been as groundbreaking for most of you to arrive, as it was for me, because of the length of time Bowen and I had been absent but I sincerely hope you all had a good time too.
Go Xian! Xian is ..1! (And blue mostly naked bellydancers are very sexy.)
Someone please remind me the next time I think about going out, to have a contingency plan for the sexual tension leftover at the end of the night…I guess I forgot about that. Oops.
Posted October 26 2005
Shit comes around
Current mood: peaceful
For once in my life, Bo knows how I feel.
Ha. A situation arose in which I acted rudely to his foolishness, and it hurt him. And as much as I am sorry, at the same time I am not, because he does this when he has the upper hand, wins the arguement and leaves me wanting to smack him. So I will apologize in the morning but for now am letting him stew, and sleep on the couch I might add, as I have done the same in past, so he gets the frustration of being more in the right than wrong and being able to do nothing about it. Haven’t we all done this?
As much as it sucks, karmically, it’s a needed lesson, whether he wanted me sharing it or not, I already said it has gone the other way. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone goes too far. Fact of life, it’s getting along afterwards that makes the difference.
Posted October 25th 2005
ok, posthaste turned into Pain the butt.
Current mood: exhausted
Pics of three of Bo & my “kids” are up. See “The Crew” on my friends list…
Posted October 4th 2005
Yesterday…seems so far away
Current mood: content
On my lack of promised post yesterday: I didn’t write, I’m sorry…I ended up going out, completely sperm of the moment, to Malediction, and didn’t get home until very late, and then four of our six cats got out when I came in, because our smart/stupid 9 yr. old white cat, Mooch, has devised a way to open the door without assistance. It’s a pain in the ass chasing dark cats at 3 in the morning. Oh, yeah…by the way – I have CATS. Six (soon to be four) lovely/quirky big and little cats. Some of my friends may remember Mooch, may know Purusha, but Xian and Sonya are the only ones who have met everybody.
When I say soon to be four, I have (well, we, including Bo) been staying at my Dad’s while we look for at least a one bedroom, for less than $950 a month… and he has fallen in love with one of our 7 mos. old kittens – a little black number that isn’t actually all black. His name is Blue Moon, but we like to call him Boo Boo Kitty Fuck, cuz he gets into Everything. He has a very dark brown tabby coat, reversed from what one would expect because he’s black and the stripes are a little lighter. But not much, you have to look in good lighting. So he stays here when we go.
I have another cat, whom I have many stories about, whose name is Aleister Meowly (or “alice”) and he is a twelve year old, once feral/tamed by me, 14-16lb. (depending on the time of the year) Russian blue mix. I met him when we were living in what I affectionately call “the Box”, a crap motel in Glendale near the edge of Eagle Rock. He spent his entire life a fend for yourself, mean lean city tomcat machine, eating mice and rats and anything else he could find, weathering storms under houses and running from people for whatever reasons. I have it on good authority that he was never nice to anyone till me. It got to a point that he would follow me around town and through the park, and came when we called him from anywhere in the one block radius that was his property. Now he is an indoor/outdoor cat, who is warm when it’s cold, cool when it’s hot, and cozy when it’s time to sleep. I relocated him to my dad’s which was a fair amount of doing in and of itself, (which I had been trying to do for a while before we actually left the motel.) and now, no matter how much I love him, I will be letting him stay here.
“This is home.” he says, more content to just be than ever in his long life before, as he looks up at me with happy squinting eyes. But I get to visit often and he’ll have Blue to torment, or perhaps the other way around, and food when he wants and a sheepskin throw for kneading, and his big squishy bed to sleep on, so I love on him while I can, and delight in the sound of his purring.
Purusha, our almost four year old classic tabby/abyssinian mix, we got after we moved out of the place we had shered with Avi, because I got a job, and didn’t want my Smoochy-Moochings to get lonely. (previous to that he followed me everywhere) Pusha is almost as smart as Aleis, but hardly street savvy. He is my favourite most of the time. When everything fell apart in my life, (but after he and Mooch had been Leash and Harness trained) I started taking him everywhere with me in a backpack I wore the wrong way. (They didn’t make carriers for cats yet that were inexpensive.) He slept under the covers in the crook of my arms. He does tricks. He kisses noses on command. He whines alot, but he’s very cute.
I started volunteering at the Glendale Humane Society, and ended up with our third cat, Loki, a 12lb. black and white cow with green eyes. We got him when he was a baby, just 2 1/2 weeks old, and I taught Bowen how to bottlefeed him and mommy him, and he was so small he fit in the palm of my hand. We originally named him The Secret Kitten, Secret for short, but when we arrived home one day after sitting in court trying to get a case that was absurd dismissed, we discovered he had unrolled the toilet paper all over the place and his name was subsequently changed. He was about six months old then, he’s almost two now. He’s our Ambassador Qat, and was on a leash from one month on, and has been our window into sharing the truth of cats with hundreds if not at least a couple thousand people. He should be in film.
I have told you about Blue, but not his sister, Miss Pimna. (my dad’s pet name for me as a child when I was being a bratty diva) She looks nothing like her brother and is the smallest cat I have ever seen except for a species of wild but domesticatable cat native to Sri Lanka. She broke her femur when she was a few months old but has recovered nicely.
She and her brother came from a litter of five, from a nice lady whose neighborhood likes to dump their animals, sometimes it gets out of hand and Bo and I have stepped in to help her on many occasions but weren’t able to keep this last litter from coming. I fell in Love with Miss Pimna the moment I saw her, and within a week, she and her brother were home. (Her brother was supposed to be for someone else, but she flaked. I hate flakes.) She is a long-haired charcoal tabby with a white downy undercoat, and when she lifts her tail in the air she looks like a dark skunk. She has very arresting eyes, and her favorite pastime is staring. At anything, especially people. She’s a ragdoll floppy girl who loves most everyone on sight but her man is my Bowens.
So that’s the Crew. Admittedly I have much more to tell everyone but figured something light and fluffy was the order of the day, as my very witing of these posts allows most to understand that all is well enough with us, and that more will follow.
As for anyone new, or otherwise, I will be adding pictures posthaste- (Haha, bad pun) yes right after this goes up, so all can see at least the ones I have digitals of. (I have to get the kittens and my good Aleis pictures developed as my digital camera crapped out about 9 months ago and I haven’t had the ability or money to repair or replace it yet.)
Posted October 22nd 2005
Ruminations on Everything Currently…
Current mood: drained
I haven’t written anything bloggish since my last Livejournal entry who know’s when ago… enough has happened that I care to share at this point that I feel compelled to trudge away at the keys until it comes out in a manner befitting my current mood. Which would be fairly sullen.
In the last month, two of my friends have lost their cats, which in my book, constitutes-companion, friend, and/or family member, I lost an acquaintance to who’s DJ’ing I danced to for many a year, and many a night, and a Friend who because she had transcended so much horrible bullshit in her life, I thought was infallible. She wasn’t.
And I feel slightly numb, and sad. It could have been me, or Bowen, but it wasn’t. And we’ve been fine for nigh on two years now, except for having no way to get around due to a loss of vehicle, and an innate fear of the police in Glendale (they suck, if you ever plan on doing anything illicit, don’t, I repeat, -DO NOT!!!- hang out in Glendale). According to her Obituary that I read just this morning, I had talked to her within four days of her death. For an hour and a half no less, and the irony of all of this is that the only person that knew me, and her, that had my phone number yet, I have been hunting down my past, was her. We were planning to hang out the next week, she said she’d call, she never did, and I assumed she’d gotten busy, as she is wont to do at times…and thought nothing of it.
I was told at DJ Jen’s memorial, she had died, on authority from someone who wasn’t present, and refused to believe it, it wasn’t until I heard it from someone else, that it began to dawn on me. And then I started searching the internet…Shock…
I have known Leticia since shortly after meeting Dave, as she was his little concubine so to speak… such a twisted but loving relationship those two had. The first time I met her, she ended sleeping in my bed, we talked half the night and more the next day… she was still with her husband at the time. She told me last month that if it hadn’t been for me she didn’t know if she still would have been with his abusive personage or not, and that she felt as though I had helped her gain her freedom from that life, to move on to the next…
She and I had so much in common, including Dave, and I am going to miss her, even if in recent years I hadn’t seen her.
Nor have I seen anybody, for that matter, but that’s another blog at this point, I have upset myself, and I have to disappear to mope now, at least for a little while, and I suppose I should explain my absence on the morrow as it were.
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