Can’t help it.

This place I am in. This happy place. That although I can swing from one extreme to another three times in an evening, when I lay my head down to sleep, I am in a place of peace and acceptance and happiness. It Doesn’t hurt he’s here with me. That I feel his breath on my neck, his arm around my waist, his heat. Doesn’t change that no matter how hard a day seems to be, I know in my heart that I will be OK tomorrow. That it’s not over. That it never will be. Life is for living. Today I breathed deeply. Tomorrow I may expand again. And Again. And still never feel full. Bless this life, and these things that I share it with. I love them. Dearly. Like the air I breathe.

http://tsukineko23.deviantart.com
The latest work… for your perusal. I am Back in the saddle again. Creating madly.

from this mornings Photo shoot and subsequent adventuring and inspiring things…

see also:

http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewAlbums&friendID=17937694″

images are in Grrr, my friends, my cats, and my journeys.

Headshot from this morning

Valentine’s

At least I get to spend the over commercialized day with someone I deeply care about, doing things I enjoy, art, eating, movie, and well, none of your darn business…

Mad world.

I am pissed off. That on the 25th of January I had to go to county for antibiotics and painkillers. Because no one else would help me. Because I was in so much pain I could barely talk. I am even more pissed off that I am going back tomorrow because all they gave me was penicillin. And it didn’t work. And the infection is in my jaw. Thank god I could tell. What the hell is wrong with this system that allows us to ignore, and be disregarded, when it comes to our bodies?
That people with broken bones and infections get no treatment, and when you really do know what’s wrong with you, no one believes you, no one wants to help you, because they didn’t diagnose it themselves?
How can we let people with enough self awareness to get passed over and shuffled in with the rest of them out of fear for a license, or some pride?
I hate this system.
I get to sit in a room with a bunch of people for three hours at fuck off o’clock in the morning, so they can tell me what I already know and fuck it up again. maybe if I get lucky they will give me a better antibiotic and some more painkillers and send me on my merry way. One can hope. Right now I can’t sleep for thinking about it, and wish Dan was awake to take my mind off of it. I hate doing this kind of stuff alone.
I shouldn’t be in this place at all.
We shouldn’t let each other get this sick.
This part of life should be something that everyone can afford, or it should be like Cuba, where the health care system works. DAMN IT!

Tomorrow night come see my latest work!

After a 6 year hiatus, come see the newest artwork I have done…celebrate with me my reintegration into the artistic force that is Los Angeles!

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LADEAD: LOS ANGELES DARKSIDE
www. LADEAD. com

Fetish & Erotica Performances sponsored by
THE BROKEN DOOR

Additional performers and Night Gallery artists T.B.
A.

..
Artists include:

Pink Grenade-Digital Art
http://www. pinkgrenade. net ..

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Saryn Christina-Photography
http://www. sarynchristina. com ..

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Lynn G Gallery-Digital Works
http://www. lynnartgallery. com ..

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Vlad the Gypsy Bard-Ink and Poetry

Xe-Pencil and Acrylic
http://www. myspace. com/_xe

K.
Howell-Acrylic Paintings
http://ravenfrog. kh. tripod. com
http://www. cafepress. com/ravenfrog ..

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Kitty Brown-Oil and Acrylic Paintings
http://www. kittybrownart. com ..

..Laurel Noelle-Mixed Media
http://tsukineko23. deviantart. com/

Angenocturne Photography-Photography
www. myspace. com/angenocturne

4614-Mixed Media
www. myspace. com/iam4614 ..

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Jobeth Wagner-Edible Art
http://www. myspace. com/creepy_little_odd_girl
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Gabby Hernandez-Wearable Art

Dub Panic Rx-Mixed Media
http://avileidner. deviantart. com/
www. interAVI. com

..

Protected: Movie Night, Part one.

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Protected: For My Eyes Only

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The Beginning of the end of the beginning…

Already I can feel the ache of winter creeping under my skin, trying to settle in like some parasite that eats my warmth away in spades. Soon after the ball, or as the case had been, balloons dropped, the clock started ticking again.

The decorations come down, and all signs of Christmas and my birthday fade away. My son packs his bags, preparing to leave me yet again, as he does every year. My lover packs his bag, and heads for the Metro. Almost alone again. And even when my husband was here, it felt the same. Even with two roommates, and two children in the house, it feels the same.

It Creeps. Threatens to undo me. Makes me want for things unreasonable. As though for a while, time had stopped just for me, thrown me into bliss, and now starts up again with a jolt and a shudder…throws into my face the reality of the new year, and all it’s responsibilities, and I feel inadequate.

I pray to the Universe to give me the strength to stick to my guns this time, to throw down the gauntlet, run faster than this ooze of depressive angst can seep, and come out the other side of this. Whole for once.

Anybody else catch this disease this time of year?

New Years Eve

Ah, the gaping maw of the new year is upon us…and as I look into the behemoth of a mess this world is about to step over into, I am awed at how much hope and joy I have encountered this year. Despite the destitution we all seem to be facing at the moment, and the trials we have been through in 2008, it seems to me that most of my friends and family truly believe that this year will be better, that our goals will be accomplished. And to be honest, I believe it too.

I feel and look better than I have in years. I have more confidence. And even though there are a lot of really scary new things just off into the future, I am not as afraid to face them as I have been in the past. Maybe it’s the structure of friendships that have built up around me in this last year, maybe it’s being on my own for once, even with the support I have, but I think that I can jump headlong into life in 2009, and that it really will be a successful undertaking.

Bring it on world! I can take it! Make it mine! Beat it sensless! Watch me!

Mid Life Crisis?

Funny, I don’t feel 35…

I feel 26. I’m starting to look like it again too. Hard to believe I am halfway to 70. My grandmother is almost 97, my dad would be 65 if he were alive…

I am the mother of a teenager.

It’s not sinking in. I think I like it that way. I hope it doesn’t sink in.

If what they say is true, continuing to feel 26 should keep me young for a long time. I have been doing a lot to reverse the effects of the drinking I had been doing for years. Now if only I could quit smoking…soon I hope.

I almost met my goal for Christmas this year, which was to lose 15 pounds, I missed that by 3 pounds as far as I can tell, but you never know. ( I am a little bloated right now, don’t ask.)

I want to be back down to 165 by April. It’s going to be a lot of work, and even more working out, but I plan to get in the best shape I have ever been in my life in this next year. I have not weighed 165 since 2005 I think. It would be nice to get back down to 135, but I am not going to push myself so hard I make myself sick, and chances are that the difference in how I look will be dramatic enough.

At my heaviest, and unhappiest, I weighed 215. And I felt trapped inside my body. More and more the 26 year old body I see and feel in myself is peering back out at me. I plan to keep her ever closer to the surface.

Strange birthday this year.